May I Assist you with that? ... 7 MTO Anniversary Giveaway

enki_ck · **on:** July 24, 2013, 12:26:43 AM

One giveaway ends, another one begins.

And as you may have guessed from the title of this thread, we're giving away a SOG PowerAssist w/ Nylon Pouch (#S66-N) provided by the friendly people from SOG knives.

You can visit their site at www.sogknives.com

And here are a couple pictures of the prize:

As all the giveaways we've been running here this month, this one is open to all members worldwide as long as you're of legal age to own one and the laws in your country won't have anything against you getting the prize in case you win. We wouldn't want the customs snagging this, now would we.

So what are the rules? Simple.

Just tell us a joke. A really funny one. So no knock knock jokes or just copy/paste pics from the internet. Try to remember one that had you in stitches when you heard it and tell us. We'd appreciate a good laugh after a hard month of giveaways and endless lists to check and keep updated. It would be nice to open a thread to a

instead of just numbers. That's why we won't ask you to make any lists. I'll go through all the entries again on monday, make a list of all the entries and let random.org decide. You can post as many times as you like, add a new joke or just post a

to give a bit of feedback to the guys and gals posting the jokes, but only one post (your first post with the joke) will be the counted as an entry.

As said, this one will end on monday, the 29th of July and I'll draw the winner sometime after 20h CET (16h EST)

Good luck to all who enter and most importantly, HAVE FUN.

xt60043f · **Reply #1 on:** July 24, 2013, 12:30:34 AM

What is brown and sticky?

Show content

a stick

kirk13 · **Reply #2 on:** July 24, 2013, 12:44:35 AM

Two fish in a tank...one looks at the other and says 'Can you drive this thing?'

Thanks for the Giveaway,but I'll sit this one out...never got on with the Powerassist

enki_ck · **Reply #3 on:** July 24, 2013, 12:47:51 AM

Quote from: kirk13 on July 24, 2013, 12:44:35 AM

Two fish in a tank...one looks at the other and says 'Can you drive this thing?'

Thanks for the Giveaway,but I'll sit this one out...never got on with the Powerassist

Well you can still post jokes.

I'd hate to not have you one this one.

AimlessWanderer · **Reply #4 on:** July 24, 2013, 12:48:35 AM

Thanks once again to SOG for their amazing generosity this year, big thanks to all the MTO staff for their additional efforts and labours this month, and

to Nikola for having to run another one after all the others have sent him on the verge of

But anyway, on with the story ...

A bloke walks into an opticians with a violin case under one arm. The assistant behind the counter smiles politely and said "Good morning Sir, how can we help you". The chap replies "I'd like to show you this ...". He lays the violin case on the counter and opens it up, and there inside is an enormous turd, the full length of the case and the diameter of a mans fist!

The optician freaked out and screamed "You smurfing dirty smurf! This is an opticians - you need a smurfing psychiatrist! What the smurf have you brought that in here for?"

The customer calmly replied "Well, everytime I do one of those, my eyes water"

kirk13 · **Reply #5 on:** July 24, 2013, 12:59:14 AM

A worried man walks into the doctors office,says 'Doc,I'm scared! I just can't stop humming the Green Green Grass of Home!'

Doc says,'Dont worry,it a dose of Tom Jones Disease'

Guys asks 'Is that common?'

Doctor starts singing' Its Not Unusual...'

Syph007 · **Reply #6 on:** July 24, 2013, 01:04:46 AM

Hmmm I got no jokes, but I did have a friend who lost a testicle mountain biking. Hes one nutty guy!

Nhoj · **Reply #7 on:** July 24, 2013, 01:06:32 AM

I'll enter in a little bit. Right now I can only think of jokes that aren't politically correct or forum appropriate.

kirk13 · **Reply #8 on:** July 24, 2013, 01:12:52 AM

Quote from: Syph007 on July 24, 2013, 01:04:46 AM

Hmmm I got no jokes, but I did have a friend who lost a testicle mountain biking. Hes one nutty guy!

Reminds me of the one about the nun and the drunk

Breezy12 · **Reply #9 on:** July 24, 2013, 01:21:51 AM

wow... the ~~hits~~ giveaways just keep on coming!

many thanks once again to SOG and to all the mods/admins of MTo, especially enki_ck!

I've been curious about the PowerAssist for awhile now...

An old farmer and his wife are preparing to take their crops into town to sell at the local market. They get up extremely early to load up the cart, and when they are finally ready, the farmer hitches up their mule to the cart and climbs up to the driver's seat. His wife sits down next to him, and he flicks the reins and says, "let's go!" to the mule. The mule doesn't budge. He continues to flick the reins with no results, so he gets out a whip and starts hitting the mule and yelling at it. Still no movement from the mule. Finally, when he runs out of expletives to use, he climbs down from the cart, walks around and gets right in front of the mule, leans into his face, extends his index finger, and says to the mule in a calm, but very stern tone, "that's one."

He climbs back up in the driver's seat, and away they go, with no more resistance from the mule.

However, they don't even make it a mile before the mule slows down and just stops in the middle of the road. The farmer flicks the reins again, shouting, "come on, let's go!", but the mule doesn't budge. Out comes the whip again, but the mule remains planted in the road. Finally, after another round of yelling and screaming, the farmer climbs down and once again gets right in front of the mule, leans into his face (this time coming nose-to-nose with the animal), holds up two fingers, and says in a calm, but very stern tone, "that's two."

And once again, he climbs back up in the driver's seat, and away they go. It's a beautiful morning, so the farmer and his wife are enjoying this stretch of the journey. They reach the outskirts of town when the mule starts to slow down... and then comes to a dead stop in the middle of the road again. And once again, the farmer goes through the routine -- flicking the reins, shouting, whipping, yelling obscenities, etc. The mule still refuses to move, so once again, the farmer climbs down from the driver's seat, walks around and gets right in front of the mule.... then pulls out a revolver and promptly shoots the animal in the head!

His wife is taken aback by this, and after the shock wears off, immediately starts screaming at him: "WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?? HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET OUR CROPS INTO TOWN NOW?? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID SOMETHING SO STUPID! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING???" But the farmer walks over to her, holds up his index finger, and says in a calm, but very stern voice, "that's one..."

Lynn LeFey · **Reply #10 on:** July 24, 2013, 01:38:24 AM

It's brief, but I find it funny every time.

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender approaches him.
"Ah, good evening Monsieur Descartes! Shall I serve you the usual drink?"
Descartes replies "I think not," and promptly vanishes.

Top-Gear-24 · **Reply #11 on:** July 24, 2013, 01:43:48 AM

First of all, thanks for yet another awesome giveaway, and it's nice to have something else to read than the long lists of names

.

It's not easy to tell a joke in another language than your own, with jokes, it often comes down to small, yet important "nuances" or exactly which words you choose, having said that, I'll try my best ...

(hope you guys don't mind the mistakes I type

).

A young man walks into a pharmacy, the pharmacist asks if he can help him, the young man replies that he's invited for dinner by the parents of his girlfriend for the first time that evening, and that after dinner, he hopes to "get lucky" with his girlfriend, so he needs a condom ...

The pharmacist gives him one condom and asks if that will be all.

The young man starts to think ... then he says: Well, you know, my girlfriends sister is also very cute, and I think she also likes me, who knows, maybe later in the evening, I might get lucky with her to, so I might need two condoms ...

The pharmacist takes another condom and places it on the counter and asks if that will be all.

The young man starts to think again ... well ... you know ... my girlfriends mother is also a nice looking lady, and I thinks she likes me to, who knows ... maybe I'll get lucky with her to late in the evening, so I might just need another condom ...

The pharmacist takes a third condom and places it on the counter, the young man pays for them and walks out ...

In the evening, the young man arrives at his girlfriends house a bit late, she opens the door and says that her family is already at the dinner table and they are waiting for him to start dinner. The young man walks into the dinner room, sits down at the table, immediately bows his head, puts his hands together near his forehead and starts praying, after a couple of minutes, he's still praying so his girlfriend whispers in his ear "what are you doing ? You never told me you were that religious ... ?

He mumbles to her: "and you never told me your father was a pharmacist ..."

Goatlord666 · **Reply #12 on:** July 24, 2013, 01:53:07 AM

WOW!!!! in as much as I would like to join...I am going to sit this one out. GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE!!!!!! i will most definitely enjoy reading these jokes...such a creative contest!

Raukodur · **Reply #13 on:** July 24, 2013, 01:53:31 AM

Quote from: Top-Gear-24 on July 24, 2013, 01:43:48 AM

First of all, thanks for yet another awesome giveaway, and it's nice to have something else to read than the long lists of names .

It's not easy to tell a joke in another language than your own, with jokes, it often comes down to small, yet important "nuances" or exactly which words you choose, having said that, I'll try my best ... (hope you guys don't mind the mistakes I type ).

A young man walks into a pharmacy, the pharmacist asks if he can help him, the young man replies that he's invited for dinner by the parents of his girlfriend for the first time that evening, and that after dinner, he hopes to "get lucky" with his girlfriend, so he needs a condom ...

The pharmacist gives him one condom and asks if that will be all.

The young man starts to think ... then he says: Well, you know, my girlfriends sister is also very cute, and I think she also likes me, who knows, maybe later in the evening, I might get lucky with her to, so I might need two condoms ...

The pharmacist takes another condom and places it on the counter and asks if that will be all.

The young man starts to think again ... well ... you know ... my girlfriends mother is also a nice looking lady, and I thinks she likes me to, who knows ... maybe I'll get lucky with her to late in the evening, so I might just need another condom ...

The pharmacist takes a third condom and places it on the counter, the young man pays for them and walks out ...

In the evening, the young man arrives at his girlfriends house a bit late, she opens the door and says that her family is already at the dinner table and they are waiting for him to start dinner. The young man walks into the dinner room, sits down at the table, immediately bows his head, puts his hands together near his forehead and starts praying, after a couple of minutes, he's still praying so his girlfriend whispers in his ear "what are you doing ? You never told me you were that religious ... ?

He mumbles to her: "and you never told me your father was a pharmacist ..."

Now that one really did get me laughing!

Aloha · **Reply #14 on:** July 24, 2013, 01:53:59 AM

Thank you MTo and SOG for an great prize, pretty great idea for a give away too. Good luck to everyone.

here is a silly one that cracks me up every time

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.
The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

Nhoj · **Reply #15 on:** July 24, 2013, 01:55:11 AM

Thanks SOG it is great for a large company to care for MTO!

A baby seal walks into a club...

Nhoj · **Reply #16 on:** July 24, 2013, 02:00:44 AM

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

It's not hard

Aloha · **Reply #17 on:** July 24, 2013, 02:01:31 AM

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized."

enki_ck · **Reply #18 on:** July 24, 2013, 02:04:05 AM

Quote from: Aloha007 on July 24, 2013, 02:01:31 AM

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized."

I was like

but then I

Aloha · **Reply #19 on:** July 24, 2013, 02:14:02 AM

Heard about that new band called 1023 MB?

They haven't had any gigs yet.

derekmac · **Reply #20 on:** July 24, 2013, 02:14:45 AM

A girl that I worked with before was from Newfoundland and always use to tell Newfie jokes. This is one that I can remember that is OK to post here.

There were three Newfies interviewing for the same job. They had scheduled appointments one after the other. The first Newfie was called into the office, and was told that all he had to do was answer a skill testing question. So he said "ok, what is it?"

The interviewer said "I would like you to make a question using the word sweater."

The Newfie said "ok, my mother........knitted me...... a nice sweater."

The interviewer said "Very good. I will get back to you." As the Newfie was leaving he was told to send the next Newfie in. So, when they met, the second Newfie asked the first one what he had to do. So the first one said that he had to make a sentence using the word sweater in it.

So, the second the Newfie walked into the interviewing room, he said "My mother knitted me a nice sweater!"

The interviewer was suspicious, so when the third Newfie came in he said "I would like you to make a sentence using the word fascinate."

He said "My mother.....knitted me a nice sweater........ with ten buttons.....but I can only fasten eight.

derekmac · **Reply #21 on:** July 24, 2013, 02:16:05 AM

Quote from: Aloha007 on July 24, 2013, 02:14:02 AM

Heard about that new band called 1023 MB?

They haven't had any gigs yet.

Breezy12 · **Reply #22 on:** July 24, 2013, 02:18:30 AM

Quote from: Aloha007 on July 24, 2013, 02:14:02 AM

Heard about that new band called 1023 MB?

They haven't had any gigs yet.

maybe it's just because I had a long day at work, but this one has me

thanks, I needed that.

Aloha · **Reply #23 on:** July 24, 2013, 02:23:19 AM

Quote from: Breezy12 on July 24, 2013, 02:18:30 AM

Quote from: Aloha007 on July 24, 2013, 02:14:02 AM
Heard about that new band called 1023 MB?

They haven't had any gigs yet.

maybe it's just because I had a long day at work, but this one has me

thanks, I needed that.

a computer tech friend told me that one day and it had me laffing out loud big time.

Breezy12 · **Reply #24 on:** July 24, 2013, 02:27:31 AM

Quote from: Aloha007 on July 24, 2013, 02:23:19 AM

Quote from: Breezy12 on July 24, 2013, 02:18:30 AM
Quote from: Aloha007 on July 24, 2013, 02:14:02 AM
Heard about that new band called 1023 MB?

They haven't had any gigs yet.

maybe it's just because I had a long day at work, but this one has me

thanks, I needed that.

a computer tech friend told me that one day and it had me laffing out loud big time.

I'm a computer engineer, so it's right up my alley.

PTRSAK · **Reply #25 on:** July 24, 2013, 03:03:22 AM

Well living in a nanny-state I can't enter the giveaway, but thanks SOG for putting it up.. But I do have a story (hopefully funny)

A Priest, a Rabbi and a Monk walk into a bar, The barman turns to them and says "What is this? Some kind of a joke?"

captain spaulding · **Reply #26 on:** July 24, 2013, 03:49:45 AM

Thank you MT.org and SOG for the great giveaway!

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear!

detron · **Reply #27 on:** July 24, 2013, 04:02:14 AM

thanks SOG and Thanks MT.O

there are 10 kinds of people.
those that understand binary,
and those who don't

Rs217 · **Reply #28 on:** July 24, 2013, 04:11:19 AM

Drives past a gated cemetery...

"People are just dying to get in there"

Outback in Idaho · **Reply #29 on:** July 24, 2013, 04:43:23 AM

Had a good one two weeks ago, but for the life of me I cannot remember it, but, will try to think up a few more to post here.

How you you make an egg roll?

Show content

You push it.

When does Friday come before Thursday?

Show content

Only in the dictionary

What do you call a grizzly bear with no teeth?

Show content

A gummy bear!

What happens when cats swallow scraps of wool?

Show content

They have mittens.