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What makes you laugh? comics-jokes-etc----keep it clean please 299248

Formerly known as 665ae No Life Club Posts: 3,374 blah blah blah
Re: What makes you laugh? comics-jokes-etc----keep it clean please
« Reply #60 on: November 03, 2009, 04:12:51 AM »

If you took all the intestines out of your body and stretched them end to end... you would die.
No Life Club Posts: 3,554 No PM's - just email please
Absolutely No Life Club Posts: 8,724 The MTO handshake.
Re: What makes you laugh? comics-jokes-etc----keep it clean please
« Reply #62 on: November 09, 2009, 08:40:24 AM »
My 11 year old son found this one  :D :D :D.
No real cats were harmed in this video  :D >:D :D :D :D :D
It is very Aussie  :D :D :D

« Last Edit: November 09, 2009, 08:42:13 AM by MultiMat »


"Downunder Mod (that sounds dirty, doesn't it?)"
Yeh Baby :P >:D >:D
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Re: What makes you laugh? comics-jokes-etc----keep it clean please
« Reply #63 on: November 13, 2009, 02:27:36 PM »
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller:  Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.  Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller:   I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher:  Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller:   No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller:   Running from the Police

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller:    My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller:    No, you idiot! This is her husband!

Ambidangerous Mistress of Mod Admin Team Absolutely No Life Club Posts: 15,073 I'm not all bad, I'm just drawn that way.
Re: What makes you laugh? comics-jokes-etc----keep it clean please
« Reply #64 on: November 13, 2009, 03:03:07 PM »
The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire (U.K.)

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)



Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U (What the *!!*???)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head


 :D

A dyslexic man walks in to a bra...

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Wielder of the Bow of Banishment. Admin Team Absolute Zombie Club Posts: 28,604 El Presidente del Fan Club Micky D
Re: What makes you laugh? comics-jokes-etc----keep it clean please
« Reply #65 on: November 13, 2009, 03:23:03 PM »
Aww bless, at least they tried. ::)

Head Turd Polisher Administrator He who has the most nuts, wins! Posts: 55,960 Optimum instrumentum est inter aures
Re: What makes you laugh? comics-jokes-etc----keep it clean please
« Reply #66 on: November 13, 2009, 03:31:10 PM »
Quote
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

I use a combination of my looks and personality as a very effective form of birth control.

Def

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Wielder of the Bow of Banishment. Admin Team Absolute Zombie Club Posts: 28,604 El Presidente del Fan Club Micky D
Re: What makes you laugh? comics-jokes-etc----keep it clean please
« Reply #67 on: December 02, 2009, 03:11:50 PM »
Time to give this thread a kick. :D


Administrator Absolutely No Life Club Posts: 10,608 I am geek, hear me code
Re: What makes you laugh? comics-jokes-etc----keep it clean please
« Reply #68 on: December 04, 2009, 11:02:01 AM »
How not to do a fishing show:



 :rofl:

Listen to our Metal Radio Show: https://www.mixcloud.com/sexto9
Absolutely No Life Club Posts: 15,596 Armed with camera and not afraid to use it.
Re: What makes you laugh? comics-jokes-etc----keep it clean please
« Reply #69 on: December 04, 2009, 12:17:10 PM »
I almost feel sorry for him when he goes out to fish.

Not the brightest fish in the pone either. I was certain in the stuck canoe segment; he was going to get intimate with that spinning prop.
 :rofl:

A little Leatherman information.

Leatherman series articles
No Life Club Posts: 2,310 "When nothing goes right, go left"
Re: What makes you laugh? comics-jokes-etc----keep it clean please
« Reply #70 on: December 04, 2009, 04:57:56 PM »
Kim cracked me up last night but this might not seem as funny to you all:
We were talking about something, debating really, and I said "Kim come on, let's be frank and honest here....I'll be Frank..."  That stopped her cold and she just started cracking up!!!  That just tickled her funny bone the right way I guess because she laughed so hard she was crying which in turn made me laugh.  

Oh there is this woman at work that is just so outside the box sometimes she makes me laugh.  The other night this new girl who doesn't like to work at all (grr) asked me to do all of her work in exchange for her basically getting to sit on her rump the rest of the morning (I work in health care and we were making morning rounds before end of shift)  I hung up the phone after she asked me this and told this woman what she'd suggested.  She just rolled her eyes and said "Oh tell her to go rub a lamp!"  LOL!  Again, it probably loses something being told here but it was really funny!
« Last Edit: December 04, 2009, 05:00:42 PM by GraysonK »

I have been recently diagnosed with ADOSS... Attention Deficit OH SOMETHING SHINY!
Head Turd Polisher Administrator He who has the most nuts, wins! Posts: 55,960 Optimum instrumentum est inter aures
Re: What makes you laugh? comics-jokes-etc----keep it clean please
« Reply #71 on: December 04, 2009, 05:56:54 PM »
Frank and Kim, sitting in a tree....

That's a riot!  :D

Def

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No Life Club Posts: 3,554 No PM's - just email please
Re: What makes you laugh? comics-jokes-etc----keep it clean please
« Reply #72 on: December 04, 2009, 06:12:00 PM »
How not to do a fishing show:



 :rofl:
Bill Dance is one of my favorites to watch and his bloopers are very funny. Here is another good one.

No Life Club Posts: 3,554 No PM's - just email please
Re: What makes you laugh? comics-jokes-etc----keep it clean please
« Reply #73 on: December 09, 2009, 07:04:19 AM »
  Little Sarah comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Christmas.
      "Since Christmas is for Christians and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a Christmas card?"
      Sarah's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Christmas card to?"
      "Osama Bin Laden," she says.
      "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock?
      "Well", she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a card, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent cards to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
      Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Sarah, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
      "I know," Sarah says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the $@#% out of him and send him back to @&#$ where he belongs."

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No Life Club Posts: 3,409 You will not laugh! You will not cry!
Re: What makes you laugh? comics-jokes-etc----keep it clean please
« Reply #75 on: December 09, 2009, 09:16:06 PM »

There is no problem that cannot be solved by the use of high explosives.
No Life Club Posts: 2,791 Still has a SOGgy feeling

yud us

****** *
Re: What makes you laugh? comics-jokes-etc----keep it clean please
« Reply #76 on: December 09, 2009, 09:39:03 PM »
  Little Sarah comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Christmas.
      "Since Christmas is for Christians and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a Christmas card?"
      Sarah's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Christmas card to?"
      "Osama Bin Laden," she says.
      "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock?
      "Well", she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a card, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent cards to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
      Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Sarah, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
      "I know," Sarah says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the $@#% out of him and send him back to @&#$ where he belongs."
Sounds good to me



Just another weirdo with a beard :B:

Knight of the SOSAK and Defender of the sacred nail file
No Life Club Posts: 3,554 No PM's - just email please
Global Tuffy Absolute Zombie Club Posts: 28,102 Just Awesome! And a Slayer of Polar Bear!
Re: What makes you laugh? comics-jokes-etc----keep it clean please
« Reply #78 on: December 17, 2009, 10:31:51 PM »
Love the Chinese one  :rofl:

I'm back!!
No Life Club Posts: 3,554 No PM's - just email please
Re: What makes you laugh? comics-jokes-etc----keep it clean please
« Reply #79 on: December 23, 2009, 06:34:46 PM »
 The 401-Keg Investment Plan

If you're worrying about how to invest your money with Wall Street and the economy being so unstable, here is some guidance.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for a recycling refund, you will have $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle. It is called the 401-Keg Plan.

No Life Club Posts: 3,554 No PM's - just email please
Re: What makes you laugh? comics-jokes-etc----keep it clean please
« Reply #80 on: December 23, 2009, 06:44:10 PM »
 Skinny Dippers

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

No Life Club Posts: 3,554 No PM's - just email please
Re: What makes you laugh? comics-jokes-etc----keep it clean please
« Reply #81 on: January 07, 2010, 06:39:57 AM »
Just a tap on the shoulder...
 
 
 
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and
tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the
cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches
from a large plate glass window.
 
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of
me.'
 
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't
realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
 
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today
is my first day driving a cab.    I've been driving a hearse for the
last 25 years.'

No Life Club Posts: 4,496 <*();::::::::;~
Re: What makes you laugh? comics-jokes-etc----keep it clean please
« Reply #82 on: January 07, 2010, 08:26:46 AM »
[youtube] [/youtube]

John *** Looking for Schwinn combination wrenches ***
Wielder of the Bow of Banishment. Admin Team Absolute Zombie Club Posts: 28,604 El Presidente del Fan Club Micky D
Re: What makes you laugh? comics-jokes-etc----keep it clean please
« Reply #83 on: January 14, 2010, 03:25:22 PM »
Just got reminded about this advert that was aired here a couple of years ago.  Superbly surreal. :D


No Life Club Posts: 3,554 No PM's - just email please
Re: What makes you laugh? comics-jokes-etc----keep it clean please
« Reply #84 on: January 17, 2010, 06:23:54 AM »
Its almost Superbowl time so here is some funny snack time advice.


No Life Club Posts: 4,749
Re: What makes you laugh? comics-jokes-etc----keep it clean please
« Reply #85 on: January 17, 2010, 06:28:08 AM »
If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time a computer rebooted........o wait he does.

:like:
Absolutely No Life Club Posts: 13,384 Sing, Michael, sing. On the route of the 19 Bus!
Re: What makes you laugh? comics-jokes-etc----keep it clean please
« Reply #86 on: January 18, 2010, 10:44:45 PM »
We’re in trouble...

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work. 

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. 

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. 

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

No Life Club Posts: 3,554 No PM's - just email please
Re: What makes you laugh? comics-jokes-etc----keep it clean please
« Reply #87 on: January 20, 2010, 10:20:40 PM »

No Life Club Posts: 3,554 No PM's - just email please
Re: What makes you laugh? comics-jokes-etc----keep it clean please
« Reply #88 on: January 21, 2010, 05:45:43 AM »
Cowboy

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

'Oh, no, everybody's just fine, ' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined a Church and I had to quit drinking.'

'Hasn't affected my brothers though..'

No Life Club Posts: 3,554 No PM's - just email please
Re: What makes you laugh? comics-jokes-etc----keep it clean please
« Reply #89 on: January 21, 2010, 07:31:59 AM »
A husband asks his wife,
"You never argue when I get mad at you.    How do you always control your anger?"
"I clean the toilet," she replies. "How does that help?" he asks.


"I use your toothbrush."


 

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