Welcome to the land of Dumb and Dumber

Grant Lamontagne · **on:** February 05, 2008, 03:02:07 PM

As if it wasn't bad enough that I'm trapped in this airport, my cell phone battery is pretty close to being completely dead too. Of course the charger is in my checked luggage, which is in such a secure area that I can't get at it. Great, right?

I stop into one of the local overpriced merchants and see that they have one of those portable phone chargers that works off a couple of AA's. I figure great- it's not cheap, but my phone will be a very handy thing when I am trying to go home later- it's hard to call your wife from the parking lot when the payphones are inside!

Anyways, I pay my exorbitant sum I turn around and walk out only to find that the charger is sealed inside a clam pack. This is one of the actual sealed ones, not the kind where you can pry the front and back apart with your fingers. No problem, I just reach for my trusty... oh crap....

So, after struggling with it for a few minutes I decide to stop in on the airline's customer service desk. I'm fully prepared to stand no less than 15 feet away while they open it with scissors. Alas they are just as useless at opening packages as they are at geography, and they aren't allowed "weapons" either.

Frustrated at having spent $25 on something that I can't even use, I spot my one last hope- a delivery guy! He's got boxes that are taped up on a big cart with large rubbermaid type bins with cable ties holding them closed- surely he must have managed to smuggle a knife into the airport to be able to do his job. Success! He has a small hooked blade that makes short work of the package and I have my cell phone charger!

I have to wonder what stupid twit came up with the idea that people working in an office type environment can't have scissors but the minimum wage guy delivering magazines can?

It reminds me of the airport I am desperately trying to get to- Stanfield International in Halifax. I know a few of the maintenance guys there, and most of them used to carry SAKs up until 9/11. After 9/11 they were told they couldn't carry their personal SAKs any more so the airport bought them all Leatherman Waves. One handed lock blades are infinitely less dangerous and intimidating that SAKs are...

Sorry if much of this doesn't make sense- my eyes aren't pointed in the same direction at the moment!

Def

WhichDawg · **Reply #1 on:** February 05, 2008, 03:29:10 PM

I used to work outta O'Hare (limo driver) I know the joint. If you get into any police trouble, my nephew is a chicago cop!

NutSAK · **Reply #2 on:** February 05, 2008, 04:35:27 PM

Quote from: Defender on February 05, 2008, 03:02:07 PM

Sorry if much of this doesn't make sense- my eyes aren't pointed in the same direction at the moment!

Def

Seems to me that you're thinking quite clearly. So, do those phone chargers work worth a poop?

Grant Lamontagne · **Reply #3 on:** February 05, 2008, 05:00:22 PM

It's working well enough so far.

As for trouble in Chicago, well I don't think the police can help. I seem to have fallen into the twilight zone. I am no longer going to Washington because the 40 minute layover between connecting flights is kind of shot to hell since the flight to Washington is over an hour late. Still, the helpful customer service representative wanted to send me there, stating that the arrival and departure gates are right next to eachother so I could make it if I hurry. I don't know if I can move fast enough to go back in time with this bad foot of mine, so now I am off to Toronto. I may be home by late evening, but I'm starting to think that this is my new home and I should just resign myself to living in the Chicago Airport. If security tries to harass me for being a vagrant, I'll show them my latest boarding pass that promises I'll be out of here in just a few more hours....

The great part is, my checked luggage is on it's way to Boston. I haven't been going to Boston since yesterday afternoon, and even then I was only going there for a few minutes. Fortunately, my arthritis medication is in my checked luggage instead of with me where it would be useful. After walking around the SHOT Show for two days and the airport for a day and a half, I'm ready to know my foot off. Or at least I would be if it weren't for the serious foot odor I am developing, which fortunately I got to share with everyone here since I had to go through security again after trying to convince someone to pretend they give a damn about my luggage being missing.

The nice thing is, I am back to the bench I was at all night, and no one has taken my pillow, so I guess it's not all bad. Oh yeah, and for wasting a day of my life, they have offered me a free meal voucher- the same kind I get when someone puts onions on my Quarter Pounder with Cheese after I asked for no onions.

Def

toytoy · **Reply #4 on:** February 05, 2008, 05:51:46 PM

http://www.sleepinginairports.com/

The Budget Traveller's Guide to Sleeping in Airports

=========

I have spent one night in Chicago's O'Hare (2005) and another in LAX (2007). Both of them are said to be horrible.

Grant Lamontagne · **Reply #5 on:** February 05, 2008, 05:54:22 PM

I'd rather sleep in my car...

Anyone in Boston who wouldn't mind heading down to the airport and picking up my luggage for me?

Def

Levi · **Reply #6 on:** February 05, 2008, 06:44:47 PM

Kind of reminds me of the last flight I took. Handed my cigarette lighter in at check-in, go through security, get to the departure lounge, go to the bar, buy a cigarette lighter and enjoy a smoke before my flight.

I think they've taken the wrong approach to airport security; I think as soon as you get on the flight you should be handed a machete.

flapjackboy · **Reply #7 on:** February 05, 2008, 06:55:41 PM

Quote from: Levi on February 05, 2008, 06:44:47 PM

I think they've taken the wrong approach to airport security; I think as soon as you get on the flight you should be handed a machete.

Ah yes, the Bill Hicks approach to airport security.

Mike, Lord of the Spammers! · **Reply #8 on:** February 05, 2008, 07:44:29 PM

Good luck with the flight boss, I'll have Nomad meet you at Sidney airport

J-sews · **Reply #9 on:** February 05, 2008, 08:09:53 PM

Hmmm......wish I knew where that luggage was going.

There are more SAK's and multitools in that suitcase than most knife stores have in stock!

Mike, Lord of the Spammers! · **Reply #10 on:** February 05, 2008, 08:11:00 PM

Quote from: J-sews on February 05, 2008, 08:09:53 PM

Hmmm......wish I knew where that luggage was going. There are more SAK's and multitools in that suitcase than most knife stores have in stock!

Time we came up with a cunning idea to nab them then

J-sews · **Reply #11 on:** February 05, 2008, 08:25:44 PM

Quote from: micky d on February 05, 2008, 08:11:00 PM

Quote from: J-sews on February 05, 2008, 08:09:53 PM
Hmmm......wish I knew where that luggage was going. There are more SAK's and multitools in that suitcase than most knife stores have in stock!
Time we came up with a cunning idea to nab them then

You read my mind, oh devious one!

Let's see now, who do we know in Boston?

Mike, Lord of the Spammers! · **Reply #12 on:** February 05, 2008, 08:27:17 PM

Terry's dogs came from there

Mike, Lord of the Spammers! · **Reply #13 on:** February 05, 2008, 08:34:21 PM

Maybe we should appeal to all crooked sosak and mt.o members in the boston area

Sea Monster · **Reply #14 on:** February 05, 2008, 08:35:28 PM

Quote

Good luck with the flight boss, I'll have Nomad meet you at Sidney airport

Are you kidding? If you think waiting for airplanes takes time, you should try navigating across Sydney!

He could walk home (one legged) to Canada before I got to the airport.

-As the kind of bloke who finds planes unappealing, I do my traveling on the Train (takes as long, costs as much, you get a lot more creepy folk, but you can carry all the knives, explosives, and export quality koala pelts you like!)

I don't mind a sleep in a Train station.
The biggest annoyance is the guys from local hostels with their mini-buses who keep waking you up to ask if you want a lift.
Fortunately I have a very pathetic hobo sort of aesthetic going on, so most people take pity on my derelict state and let me be.

Modern world we have though huh? Help, I'm trapped in an Airport, In other news - I can make posts on an international communication network for multitool enthusiasts.

I like the Scissors things though.

just between you and me, if you wanted to cause a fuss - would an Airport really be your preferred stop?

Quote

Maybe we should appeal to all crooked sosak and mt.o members in the boston area

There's no need to be reiterative!

Mike, Lord of the Spammers! · **Reply #15 on:** February 05, 2008, 08:38:23 PM

I'm with you mate, trains over planes any day.

If I had to go through all the waiting and security of an airport, I would end up killing someone

J-sews · **Reply #16 on:** February 05, 2008, 08:42:01 PM

Quote from: micky d on February 05, 2008, 08:38:23 PM

I'm with you mate, trains over planes any day.

If I had to go through all the waiting and security of an airport, I would end up killing someone

Speaking of that, I will be disappointed if I don't see a headline in tomorrow's newspaper that reads something like, "Lunatic Canadian Goes On Rampage At O'Hare!"

Mike, Lord of the Spammers! · **Reply #17 on:** February 05, 2008, 08:44:32 PM

''Hurricane Grant sweeps through airport, injuring hundreds''

WhichDawg · **Reply #18 on:** February 05, 2008, 08:48:26 PM

when I lived in chicago, they always used to show the people stuck in the airports there on the news, and they never looked happy!
hope you get home soon boss.

ducktapehero · **Reply #19 on:** February 05, 2008, 09:54:01 PM

My most memorable airplane story came when I was in the Army We were done training at NTC(Ft Irwin CA) and were getting ready to fly back to our base. To my utter amazement we were allowed to carry our rifles on board. Granted it was only military personnel but I'll never for get the announcement from the cockpit "Please put rifles in the luggage area above your seat".

Another thing that was cool about the flight, I was one of the lucky few who got "volunteered" to help load all the duffel bags. The good part was that the seating was full and we would have to sit in 1st class with all the high ranking brass. They were really cool, bought us a buttload of drinks and asked what they could do to improve training.

We got off the plane and hooked back up with our companies. Drunker than snot. Our CO was pissed until the General came over and said he'd let us drink.

The last time I flew was when I flew home from the Army. Nothing was said about the Leatherman in my pocket. Try doing that now.

NutSAK · **Reply #20 on:** February 05, 2008, 10:42:32 PM

Quote from: micky d on February 05, 2008, 08:27:17 PM

Terry's dogs came from there

Good point! Maybe I can get them to pick up the scent of Def's foot odor!

Mike, Lord of the Spammers! · **Reply #21 on:** February 05, 2008, 10:47:18 PM

Quote from: NutSAK on February 05, 2008, 10:42:32 PM

Quote from: micky d on February 05, 2008, 08:27:17 PM
Terry's dogs came from there

Good point! Maybe I can get them to pick up the scent of Def's foot odor!

That would be animal cruelty

hawkchucker · **Reply #22 on:** February 05, 2008, 11:38:52 PM

Quote from: Defender on February 05, 2008, 05:54:22 PM

I'd rather sleep in my car...

Anyone in Boston who wouldn't mind heading down to the airport and picking up my luggage for me?

Def

I wish I knew you were in the area. I would have taken ya all out to lunch!

J-sews · **Reply #23 on:** February 06, 2008, 01:11:02 AM

Quote from: hawkchucker on February 05, 2008, 11:38:52 PM

Quote from: Defender on February 05, 2008, 05:54:22 PM
I'd rather sleep in my car...

Anyone in Boston who wouldn't mind heading down to the airport and picking up my luggage for me?

Def

I wish I knew you were in the area. I would have taken ya all out to lunch!

Well actully Def never made it to Boston, only his luggage did! (Not to imply that Def's luggage wouldn't have appreciated such a generous offer though....)

hawkchucker · **Reply #24 on:** February 06, 2008, 01:48:24 AM

Is It still there? I would love to take his luggage out to lunch.... I bet he got some of the new T-Shirts in there

Hello Lurker! Remove this ad and much more by logging in.

Welcome to the land of Dumb and Dumber

Donations

Community Links