Teenagers.

[nuphoria]

They should all be sent down the bloody mines. 

Have been putting up with months of crap here which came to a very ugly head this evening. He decided to get physical and extremely verbal after I pulled him up about treating his mum like trash and generally being a nightmare. You all would have been very proud of me - he's still alive.

On the good side, xmas is going to be a lot cheaper than usual.

[Steinar]

Hardly a day goes by without my wife and I being reminded that we are not child-less, we are child-free.

[nuphoria]

Hardly a day goes by without my wife and I being reminded that we are not child-less, we are child-free.

Well, this too will pass I guess!

It's taken me a couple of hours to calm down, but he's dug himself a BIG hole.

[Mr. Whippy]

You have my sympathies.  I will say, that male teenagers are slightly less infuriating than teenage females.

FWIW, we found having hard, immovable limits on those things that were important to us invaluable.  Make sure he knows what those limits are well ahead of time.  WHEN he comes up against them, it merely becomes an issue of calmly pointing out HE knew the limits and HE is choosing to over step them.

Those things which are trivial, just let go.  Choose battles wisely, and WIN those you choose.

Good luck!

[Steinar]

Just make sure you don't create a cycle where you let it eat at you. Easy to say, not always easy to do.

[nuphoria]

I know you're right guys, and thank you

He does know the boundaries and very much chose to go way past them. We try and keep thing consistent and fair, but are quite strict on respecting people. He's 6'2" and when he decided to push me across the room and call me all the f'ing c's under the sun, I realised he's hit that point where nothing you say makes any difference.

Punishment doesn't seem to work any more either, although I know loss of funds and internet will truly piss him off, I doubt it will actually change anything in the short term. Dunno how this one will play out, but I will explain that when he does these kind of things it's technically assault and it won't fly in the world of adults without consequences.

I think I'm mostly upset more than frustrated and angry tonight. Sorry about the rant guys... his mum is out and I'm trying to be calm on my own.

[Mr. Whippy]

I know you're right guys, and thank you

He does know the boundaries and very much chose to go way past them. We try and keep thing consistent and fair, but are quite strict on respecting people. He's 6'2" and when he decided to push me across the room and call me all the f'ing c's under the sun, I realised he's hit that point where nothing you say makes any difference.

Punishment doesn't seem to work any more either, although I know loss of funds and internet will truly piss him off, I doubt it will actually change anything in the short term. Dunno how this one will play out, but I will explain that when he does these kind of things it's technically assault and it won't fly in the world of adults without consequences.

I think I'm mostly upset more than frustrated and angry tonight. Sorry about the rant guys... his mum is out and I'm trying to be calm on my own.

You are spot on.  Physical confrontation is strictly over the line IMO. 

If that had happened in my family (never did), when things were calm again, EVERYONE in the home would be at a short, non-negotiable meeting.  Physical confrontation leads to being put out of the house.  No discussion.  Where he goes, is his business.  Whether he is allowed to return to the home is open to later discussions.  That is just too dangerous and potentially sets a very dangerous pattern of behaviour.

[Steinar]

No worries about some venting, nuphoria. 

I like this forum. To me it feels more like "down at the pub" where you can vent about your bad day and nobody thinking any worse of you, than one of those sterile places where no bad feelings should ever be expressed without somebody explaining how their therapists have taught them such things always should be handled by a professional.

And, yes, you are of course correct, it was assault.

[nuphoria]

Yeah, he's 16 in 4 weeks so getting close enough to the age where I would throw him out for this kind of thing.

A meeting is a good idea, and hopefully he will understand how his actions can really mess things up for him... so tired of it

[jzmtl]

He's 6'2" and when he decided to push me across the room and call me all the f'ing c's under the sun

Wait, what? What's his relationship to you? I think that counts as crossing the line and a serious ass kicking is warranted. When I was a teen I wasn't always with my parents but I have not and would never have used physical force and that sort of name calling.

Of course I'm not even married so take it with pinch of salt. 

[nuphoria]

I've been his mum's partner for 9 years, so have been around a long while. Never officially a stepmum per se, but I'm the other bill paying adult in the house and up until tonight he's just had to put up with me pulling him in to line occasionally.

She's home now and talking to him - no idea if it will do any good.

[Mr. Whippy]

I've been his mum's partner for 9 years, so have been around a long while. Never officially a stepmum per se, but I'm the other bill paying adult in the house and up until tonight he's just had to put up with me pulling him in to line occasionally.

She's home now and talking to him - no idea if it will do any good.

No good.  It has to be ALL 3 together for the meeting.  Parent figures united, child in the same discussion. 

This is the wrong social dynamic.

[jzmtl]

So you've known him since he was 7, was his attitude always like this to you? If yes you might want to consider taking whatever action is necessary before things escalate even further.

If that fails I can come over and give him a ass whooping for you. I'm 2" shorter but probably bigger horizontally 

[nuphoria]

I'd happily give him a whopping but the law says that's not allowed!

He's not worth talking to tonight. There's been a load more screaming and door slamming from what I can tell, but yes I think it should be all of us to actually get anywhere.

Better go see what's happening.

[Mr. Whippy]

I'd happily give him a whopping but the law says that's not allowed!

He's not worth talking to tonight. There's been a load more screaming and door slamming from what I can tell, but yes I think it should be all of us to actually get anywhere.

Better go see what's happening.

Remember, this is about HIM.  You and your partner are not the issue.  It is MOST likely a young male seeing what his limits are and it what ways he's allowed to interact with the world around him.  It's not unique, but new for you.

[Grant Lamontagne]

Send him here Chrissy. I'll put him to work so hard that he won't have the energy to left to complain. When you get him back he'll be so grateful for a rest he'll beg your forgiveness.

My parents and I had many, many, many arguments when I was that age and now, twenty years on I regret every one of them.  Fortunately we never resorted to name calling (not to eachother's faces anyway!) or physical violence. I think if I'd ever laid a hand on either of my parents I doubt very much I'd have gotten it back.

I can't claim to know much about kids (at least not my own) but I did deal with them often enough at clubs.  When they hold advantages of things like size, remember that you are smarter. Point out things like how stupid his idea is if he's got to try and back it up with violence- especially against a woman smallest than him. Then make disparaging comments about his manliness that he has to go all caveman because he can't ration things out.  Do that clearly and calmly and he'll probably follow along and realize how dumb he's being.

Getting upset and screaming is an escalation.  Distract him, remain calm, ask him why he thinks the things he's doing are correct, then rephrase his answers so they sound dumb and repeat them back to him. Remain calm as he starts to get flustered.  Point out that you are only trying to understand what he's saying and eventually he will blow himself out of steam.

I know, its easier said than done, but if you respond like that he will either walk away or you'll wear him down. Let him scream and yell, then when he stops for air, ask him if he's ready to act like a man and talk to you as a person.  This subtly directs him towards responding in kind, much the way you'd handle an overactive aggressive, dominant puppy.

While I may not know much about kids, I do know a fair big about dealing with aggression.  Also, should he ever put his hands on you again, grab a finger and twist it. Break it if you have to, then kick him in the stomach, all calmly and calculating. When he's gasping for breathe remind him (calmly) that he was the aggressor and he's one step away from being ass raped in jail, and that if he's willing to discuss it properly, like a man, then you are willing to allow him to remain being one.

Def

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[AimlessWanderer]

Sounds like fun  I'm SOOOO glad I don't have anything like that to deal with, I don't think I'd have behaved as well as you did. The law might not let you kick his arse for being a gobby little twonk, but it doesn't make you tolerate assault either

Good luck with it all Chrissy. Just make sure the meeting happens with a clean calm head (all round) or you'll get nowhere but more frustrated. There'll always be someone here 24/7 to offload to if you need it 

[nuphoria]

Thanks guys... I really do appreciate the support

I just phoned my mum to apologise for having been a teenager! I know I was a serious handful, but was never violent towards her though, and yes he is much bigger and dumber than me - no question there. Everyone needs to chill and then we try and discuss it in a calmer way I hope.

Teenage boys can be a bit like badly behave male puppies I guess - bite me once and the line in the sand gets drawn though.

[Gareth]

Hell, I'm just catching up with this Chrissy.  No doubt about it, getting physical is WAY over the line.

The sit down family meeting sounds like a good way to go, but do make sure you and HK are on the same page before the meeting (united front and all that), the first hint that there is some division of opinion and he'll feel like he can ignore you both.  Also make absolutely certain that whatever punishment you all agree on is one that you are both willing to carry out.  On stuff like this the is no such thing as 'second chances' as far as he's concerned.

I'm certain none if this is news to you though, you've been doing it longer than I have.

[Bensasupertool]

Boy oh boy I wish the 15 month old stays 15 months old. Stay strong parents of the angsty teenagers.

[MadPlumbarian]

Err, my older boy turns 13 in five months, just the other day my wife an i announced that we were having a child , now 12yrs, 150lbs, and 5'-6" later, he thinks he can take me down, and rule the house ! well weve let him slide on a few things, but hes got another thing coming if he thinks hes going to get his way all the time ive never laid a finger on him but that doesnt mean duct tape doesnt work (just kidding) seriously, you just gotta find what means most to them and get them where it counts!! like mine playstation or wii! unlike my little guy, sometimes he could care less , but being with nothing to do is the most hideous thing that can ever happen (but thats due to adhd)..

[sawman]

Chrissy, I'm sorry to hear about the torments he's been putting you thru.  That's very disturbing to me to hear about him getting physical with his parents.  If I had been there and saw him push you across the room..... he would likely be drinking his meals through a straw for the next several months 

I digress...

Take care and hopefully he will straighten out.

[derekmac]

Wow, that's unreal! I could never imagine doing anything like that when I was a teen. I really hope he comes to his senses soon, and doesn't act out physically again.

Best of luck figuring this out.

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[Ashley]

Always remain calm and voice low because if your voice rises that's will escalate the problem every time. That's one of the main things guards are taught. 

The Ash Mobile Voom Voom

[ironraven]

Send him over, hon. I've got friends who could use some slave labor- use horses for logging and since horses don't like chainsaws, there are no power tools. And winter is starting. If that and being up at 4 am to milk the cows and muck the barn doesn't straighten him up, not much will.

In a more practical vein, point out to him that that is assault- he's old enough to be charged as an adult in the UK IIRC. And he's young and he's fiesty and he'll learn all kinds of new games if he goes inside.

Another thing to remember. He's 15. You are Mum #2 in some ways, but but also quasi-Dad because you aren't his mother. If he's going to be doing male posturing, odds are quite a bit of it is going to be aimed in your direction. I never would have shoved my dad, my step-father, I don't think we ever got into more than two heated discussions, but I also knew what my biochemistry was doing to my brain and refused to be ruled by the hormones. Don't swing back if you can avoid it, keep control of the situation, don't show fear, and if you have to hurt him, the only advice I can give is don't half ass it because in his mind he's Major Spiffy McStudStick and he's immortal. Unless you think him seeing blood will shock his brain into park or at least neutral, and I feel like puking even putting that on the table.

[Ashley]

I worked in a prison and I know all to well that happens. I had an inmate get gang raped and beat with the plastic orange shower sandals. He had welts all over him and his bottom side has quite the wound which needed medical attention. That's one of the minor stories. I would never tell some of the other ones.

The Ash Mobile Voom Voom

[tosh]

Wow, that's unreal! I could never imagine doing anything like that when I was a teen. I really hope he comes to his senses soon, and doesn't act out physically again.

Best of luck figuring this out.

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I agree with you derekmac - that is just sooo alien to me.
I grew up absolutely terrified of my father, because No meant just that...No!!. And woe be tide me if I forgot. he really was that strict. Jeez, it makes me chuckle now to think what I'd have got for using the F word on him... .

I remember when I was around 15 and obviously young and cocky as all teens can be, my mum had asked me to do something (I forget now), anyway I refused and she asked again and again and again eventually I yelled "do it  yourself"..... Well, Like a tornado ripping through the house my father burst in to the room and demanded that I apologise to my mother or else my head would be "bounced off all four walls" - needless to say I apologised damn quick.
At the time, I thought my fathers victorian rules were a form of bullying - however, now I look back and realise he was right, I had to learn, if I couldn't learn it the easy way then I'd definately learn it the hard way.

[Taxi Dad]

hope things calm down for you soon !
reading this has made me grateful for my Girls. At least till the next time they are both screaming at each other, and mum joins in !
three helpings of PMT can test a mans patience 

[magentus]

How are things now Nuph?

Teenagers are tough but hopefully if you and your partner present a united front, all 3 of you will  come through it intact and it'll all be a bad memory. Horrible going through it at the time though.

Sounds like you're dealing with it really well.

How are you coping with what he did to you? Talking with a loved one always helps I find.

Best wishes

[Zed]

Sounds like a little fear is needed, my kids love me to bits but know I blow when pushed so there is respect in my house,hey I sound like a oga but trust me im a teddy bear (grizzly lol) I hope you sort it chrissy as my friend went threw the same thing last year with her 14 year old son, me and his dad took him out for a chat man too boy  let's say he never did it again. Good luck.