A Letter To The Bank.....

Grant Lamontagne · **on:** December 07, 2012, 01:14:10 PM

A friend just emailed me this, and, given my recent bank issues, I think I would very much like to sign it and send it off to them.

Quote

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 10

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover thesetting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

Of course I think I might add in a few "extra" words here and there as well...

Def

kmanct3 · **Reply #1 on:** December 07, 2012, 01:20:55 PM

It would be nice if that could work!

Whoey · **Reply #2 on:** December 07, 2012, 01:26:34 PM

nice one!

Zed · **Reply #3 on:** December 07, 2012, 01:29:12 PM

that had me in stiches

good on him for sticking 2 fingers upto the man sorry i mean the bank

i hate banks as if they dont make enough money

ive had cheques bounce before due to being like 2p short etc

so a nice £30 to the bank

easy money really, and they also make nice bonus good on them as they do sooo much paper work

i get a bonus so saving lives and looking after folk till they die oh how much is that a month oh yeah £30

hey im not knocking my job but i would love these smurfs to even try my job for a second

my other rant is there sooo friendly in the bank arnt they

NOT

do we really need them

when my uncles mum passed away many years ago she had money stashed all around the house and she never had a bank acount her whole life $:-\$ makes you think but then most companies only transfer your wages into a bank acount so we cant win really

rant over

Grant Lamontagne · **Reply #4 on:** December 07, 2012, 01:54:49 PM

I hate to sound like I am showing off but I have a good job with a good paycheck. My wife has a good job with an even better paycheck. In addition to that, we have a reasonably valuable income property, the intention to obtain more reasonably valuable income properties, and the track record to prove that this is a good thing for all involved. Last month while trying to purchase a second building, nicer than the one we have and right across the road where we could very easily manage both properties, I ended up having to walk away from the deal as the bank complicated matters significantly, caused us to miss our initial closing date, then caused us to miss our second closing date, attempted to render my wife and I homeless and could not give us an idea of when we could expect to set a third potential closing date.

That is the latest in a very, very long line of disappointments I have had in dealing with banks, and as a result of that, I was extremely surprised to find that the credit app I had to fill out for my new Jeep was approved instantly and without any follow up questions, clarifications or other BS. Before you say that's because cars are (relatively) easy to finance I'd like to point out that we had some bumps with VW a couple of years ago when we bought my wife's car- so much that even though my wife makes almost twice what I do I still had to co-sign for her car.

So, without getting into my rant any further, I will say that I do not care for banks in the slightest. They are at best a necessary evil.

Def

Syph007 · **Reply #5 on:** December 07, 2012, 01:56:40 PM

LOL oh that just made my morning.

I see banks as a necessary evil, but I still want to convert my actualy money to gold and bury it... tax and fee that you smurfs.

Zed · **Reply #6 on:** December 07, 2012, 02:23:09 PM

No your not showing off Grant as good on you mate

sadly I work in the most undervalued job going plus highly scrutinised on the tv and press,I work in a highly demanding dementia home and am trained to a high standard with diplomas in mental health. And where I work we are all very dedicated to what we do but sadly its very underpaid $:-\$ but hey I still pretty much enjoy it

AimlessWanderer · **Reply #7 on:** December 07, 2012, 02:42:14 PM

My current little game with the bank concerns verification. I don't know about the rest of the world, but here when your bank calls you, you have to answer certain security questions. The conversation normally goes something along the lines of ..

Them: "Hello is that .. (me) ...

Me: Yes it is

Them: Hello it's The Bank Of Profound Incompetence here, I need to ask some security questions before we proceed

Me: OK

Them: Could you confirm the inside leg measurement of your next door neighbours cat (or whatever other stupid thing they ask)

Me: Certainly, can you first confirm that you are indeed the Bank Of Profound Incompetence before I start giving out personal data

Them: ...... ermmm .... we can't give out any personal data until you've answered the security questions

Me: Well you phoned me, so until you can verify who you are to me, just like I would have to if I phoned you, then I'm sorry I cannot release any personal data

NOTE: They cannot legally give out any details of me or my account to verifiy their authenticity as that would put them in breach of the data protection act

Them: Look, we can't give out any personal data until you've answered the security questions!!

Me: Listen Smurfwit, If I phone you, I know who I'm talking to but you don't know who I am so I need to authenticate myself. If you phone me from a number I don't recognise I haven't got a clue who you actually are, so unless you can prove to me that you are indeed who you say you are (which they can't) then I'm not telling you anything.

Them: This is a legal requirement, and you must comply with the banking code.

Me: Get a grip smurf features, you're supposed to be the bank not me, you have to comply with the code. My responsibilities first and foremost are to protect my personal data so some scamming little smurf like you can't phone me up and glean my data and go and reek havoc with my finances. So unless you can verify who you are - get the smurf outta my face

Make the smurfs work for a living I say. They are supposed to be there for our convenience not the other way round. I would just like to add I do this with all my service providers who merrily try to rape my finances with their overpriced unreliable frequently deficient services

gregozedobe · **Reply #8 on:** December 07, 2012, 02:49:09 PM

The banks in Australia are also very unpopular with their "customers".

But the worm has turned recently, and the Oz Banks are being forced (by the courts) to return a lot of the money they raked in as penalties for bounced cheques, unauthorised overdrafts, late payments etc. They were allowed to charge reasonable costs associated withj the transaction, but have to refund the extra penalty charges.

A victory for the little man for a change

(but I bet the senior executives of the banks involved didn't have to refund any of their past bonuses etc)

Steinar · **Reply #9 on:** December 07, 2012, 03:51:08 PM

Quote from: 50ft-trad on December 07, 2012, 02:42:14 PM

My current little game with the bank concerns verification. I don't know about the rest of the world, but here when your bank calls you, you have to answer certain security questions. The conversation normally goes something along the lines of ..

[...]

Them: Look, we can't give out any personal data until you've answered the security questions!!

Me: Listen Smurfwit, If I phone you, I know who I'm talking to but you don't know who I am so I need to authenticate myself. If you phone me from a number I don't recognise I haven't got a clue who you actually are, so unless you can prove to me that you are indeed who you say you are (which they can't) then I'm not telling you anything.

Them: This is a legal requirement, and you must comply with the banking code.

Me: Get a grip smurf features, you're supposed to be the bank not me, you have to comply with the code. My responsibilities first and foremost are to protect my personal data so some scamming little smurf like you can't phone me up and glean my data and go and reek havoc with my finances. So unless you can verify who you are - get the smurf outta my face

Pure gold!

Whoey · **Reply #10 on:** December 07, 2012, 05:47:56 PM

As many of you know I live in Spain, and while I'm quite fluent in Spanish now, I wasn't always. One thing I have maintained for all cold calls from phone/bank/internet providers is that I refuse to agree to anything unless they send it to me in writing for me to review. Since I am already a customer they have my address and there is no reason they cannot mail me the promotion details. Most of the time they never call me back or bother mailing me anything. Perhaps I miss out on some stuff, but most of the time I save a pile of time arguing with them on the phone which I hate. With most things bank wise I prefer to head to my local branch which is literally 5 min walk from my front door.

With Internet providers we now have the best argument ever, as we are on fibre-optic cable, and only one company can provide that service/speed in our area... so their arguments are moot.

ironraven · **Reply #11 on:** December 08, 2012, 11:55:01 AM

When the bank calls me I usually just thank them for letting me know there is a point of concern, ask them for their name and operator number or call center so I can make sure they get proper credit for being flexible with a client who can get very complicated, and that I shall discuss it at one of the three local branches I use where most if not all the staff knows me by sight and name.

It is amazing how many phishers have just hung up.

gregozedobe · **Reply #12 on:** December 08, 2012, 12:41:38 PM

Our household has a simpler solution for ALL cold callers, phishers etc.

Our phone is always diverted to our answering machine, so all callers get the stand message "You have rung .... please leave a message after the tone". We have trained everyone we know to start talking after the tone and if we are home we'll pick up straight away.

We can tell the cold callers, they mostly ring around tea time (evening mealtime), and they try anything up to 5 times before giving up. Some of the more cunning ones say "Hello ...." but never say anything further. We find it quite amusing listening to the answering machine deal with them. The funniest thing is after they have hung up the answering machine then says "Thank you for your call", of course it is a bit late by then