I want to kill somebody, I want to take my hands, put it around their necks and squeeze the life out of them.Not for what was done to me, but for the affect it's had on my parents, I've watched them age before my eyes in the last two months, and for the unfair and inconsiderate manner it was done, and the effect it had.....yes, I feel like ending somebody.I know that depression and anger, the caged animal variety, are bedfellows. Thankfully I'm not badly depressed, but I am severely stressed, and I'm running on a very short fuse.I've verbally lashed out at the constant and unanswerable questions from the ones I loved the most, but the one person I anticipate I'll miss the most someday soon.......that person I can't talk to and say what I need to say.......with an apology, a thank you, an I love you and many other things worked in there.......I'm sad to say my best friend is in the same boat, even worse in fact, so at least I have somebody to talk to.
Tonight I learned that another person I knew had passed away. She’d been battling cancer, and I thought things were going well for her, but apparently not as well as I had hoped. She was younger than me, married and a mother of two, and I didn’t know her as well as many of my friends did- we were friends of friends, having only met a few times.Every time this happens, and it seems to happen more and more as I get older, I can’t help but wonder if I ever told that person what they meant to me, and how much I appreciated them. Maybe in this case it isn’t so bad, as I said, I really didn’t know her well, but it is still a reminder for the rest of us to say what we usually don’t before it’s too late.I know, this forum is largely dominated by men and men don’t have feelings. And, if we do have feelings, we certainly don’t acknowledge them, right? After all, it isn’t manly to tell someone that you appreciate them, or that they matter. Hell, they will probably think you’ve gone soft, or are dying or something.Plus, it can be awkward- I know this for a fact, as for the past few years I have been trying to let people know when I appreciate them, and how much I value them, and it isn’t always easy. I have not traded a serious word with many of my closest friends in years, if ever. That level of bullsmurftery is why those people have been my friends for years and telling them that they matter kind of flies in the face of every time I told them that I really needed to find a better class of friends if I was going to be seen in public with them.But, it’s better to take a moment and write them a short note- a PM on the forum, a message on Facebook, an email or whatever, or just tell them outright to their face that they matter, and that you appreciate them being in your life. It may seem a bit awkward at the time, and they may ride you for having little girly feelings for years to come, but the fact is, that is still better than the alternative of not being able to tell them and wishing you had.Def
Powerfully told... Both your parents? That's incredibly hard. Respect for telling us. A vaguely similar experience I had pales in comparison with yours, but I still have regrets because of it. It involved my dad just before he rather suddenly passed. With hindsight I might have felt it coming. The phone conversation on the occasion of his last birthday just before he passed (we lived in different countries) was eerily superficial - his replies were strangely noncommittal, and didn't invite any deeper questions. Only later, I heard from my mom that he'd seemingly lost the appetite for life. The body was degrading more quickly than the mind, and the mind apparently not willing to take it anymore. I didn't have the time to visit him and really talk face to face before he went, which I still regret.
humbled at your guts and openness in telling us
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