The Locked Door

[NeitherExtreme]

A convesation in another thread about things that annoy us reminded me of this little piece I wrote. I had some extra time one morning a few weeks ago, so I put together this short play to pass the time. It was really only meant for my entertainment It's no work of art, but if you want to read it, go right ahead. Any and all coments (including "what the heck was that") are welcome I'm not trying to start anything, just sharing a little fun...

The Locked Door

A short play.

Four scientists were working in a laboratory. They had been working all day, and they decided to head home to their families. Scientist #1 tries to open the main doors, and finds that they are locked. Scientist #2 tries the back door, and it is also locked. During the course of the evening, none of them had seen or heard anything unusual, so they all sit down and try to scientifically understand how the doors came to be locked.

Scientist #1:
This certainly is a difficult question, but it needs an answer. I think that our best possible hypothesis is that at some point as we moved around the room during the day, the combined forces of our gravitational and electromagnetic pulls precisely lined up in such a way that the locks on both of the doors were turned without us noticing.

Scientist #2:
That is an interesting idea, but I think I perceive the real answer. We were working in here all day, which is quite a long time, so it’s clear that the doors locked themselves in order to maintain their closed position. “An object at rest tends to stay at rest” after all…

Scientist #3:
Although either one of your two theories are obviously possible, I’m not sure I can really commit to either one. I’m willing to continue considering both theories equally.

Scientist #4:
Well, I think someone outside the room locked both doors.

(Gasps from Scientists #1, 2 &3)

Scientist #1:
Where’s your evidence!?! My theory only takes into account the observable realities of gravity and electromagnetism, which we can detect right here in this room. Your theory is entirely based around things for which there is absolutely no discernible evidence. Between the four of us, no one observed in any way this supposed “Someone Outside”. I thereby declare that your guess is a complete impossibility.

Scientist #2:
I think you are just trying too hard; there is no need for any outside influence, intelligent or otherwise. The door locked itself over the course of the long day. Whether the lock turned slowly over hours and hours or whether it turned all at once could be open to debate, but it obviously happened. As you can see, the doors are locked.

Scientist #3:
Look here, I like to keep an open scientific mind and all. Even though these other two can’t agree, I find both of them to be scientifically credible, but this ridiculous theory of yours is clearly outside the bounds of logic, science, and good taste! I can’t believe you’re trying to shove this nonsense down our throats!

Scientist #4: I’m sorry, I should have known better, but I still like my outsider. Hmmm… Maybe the outsider used electromagnetic forces to help the door maintain its desired state of rest?

(Frustrated sighs from Scientists #1, 2, &3.)

A minute later they hear the sounds of the custodian approaching. They call to him, and he quickly begins to unlock the door, apologizing for the trouble he caused. The Scientists pay little attention, but begin to leave the room and make their way out of the building to their cars.

Scientist #1:
Good, I’ll be glad to get away from this dreamer for a while.

Scientist #2:
I just hope that my car door hasn’t locked itself. I left the keys inside, and we have been gone so long…

Scientist #3:
I’ll give you a ride home if you need it. (Now turning toward Scientist #4) Listen here- when our families wonder where we were, we don’t want you to be spouting off any of your crazy ideas, okay? It would be pretty embarrassing to us, not to mention that we could loose our funding. Also, you shouldn’t be shoving your ideas down anyone else’s throats. The three of us here were able to use scientific reason so we weren’t swayed by your pathetic arguments, but not many people could do that. Whatever you do, don’t try to teach that garbage to any children! They don’t have the ability to think for themselves yet. But, since we aren’t entirely sure what happened, we will give everyone the two theories developed by the others. This will allow everyone involved to make informed and unbiased decisions.

Scientist #4:
I understand. I’m sorry for all the confusion I caused. I’ll keep my ideas completely to myself.

Scientist #1:
You’d better, or you’ll end up destroying your reputation as a scientist. Good night (Gets in his car and leaves)

Scientist #2:
It will be better this way, trust me. (Opening his car door) Oh good, my door didn’t lock. I guess I’ll see you all tomorrow. (Drives away)

Scientist #3:
Stick to the evidence next time, okay? And if some dim-witted idea pops in your brain again, run it by me first. I’m open-minded, unbiased, scientific, and all around smarter than you.

Scientist #4:
I don’t know what I was thinking. I guess maybe I wasn’t thinking, I was probably just saying what my parents would have said, and they aren’t scientists at all! I’ll be more scientific from now on… (Gets in car and drives away)

Scientist #3 realizes he forgot his wallet in the laboratory. He returns to the room and tries the door. It’s locked. Frustrated, he turns around and heads to his car mumbling something about how the “stupid janitor should’ve waited till we were gone…”

[Mike, Lord of the Spammers!]

That's brilliant mate ;D, and rather disturbingly, acurate too

[NeitherExtreme]

That's brilliant mate ;D, and rather disturbingly, acurate too

My favorite character was Scientist #3. He loudly claims to be the open-minded one but when you scratch just bellow the surface you find out he's the most closed minded. We all run into a lot of these types now-days. I just always have to be careful that I don't turn into one myself IMO, conviction is good, self-righteous stuborn bias is not...

[Grant Lamontagne]

I love it!

Reminds me of this one I read years ago, Meet Meat:

    Imagine if you will... the leader of the fifth invader force speaking to the commander in chief...

          "They're made out of meat, Sir."
          "Meat?"
          "Meat. They're made out of meat."
          "Meat?"
          "There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."
          "That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars."
          "They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."
          "So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."
          "They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."
          "That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."
          "I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat."
          "Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."
          "Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you have any idea the life span of meat?"
          "Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."
          "Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."
          "No brain?"
          "Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat!"
          "So... what does the thinking?"
          "You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The meat."
          "Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"
          "Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?"
          "Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."
          "Finally, Yes. They are indeed made out meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."
          "So what does the meat have in mind?"
          "First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The usual."
          "We're supposed to talk to meat?"
          "That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing."
          "They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"
          "Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."
          "I thought you just told me they used radio."
          "They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."
          "Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"
          "Officially or unofficially?"
          "Both."
          "Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."
          "I was hoping you would say that."
          "It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"
          "I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say?" `Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"
          "Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."
          "So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe."
          "That's it."
          "Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? You're sure they won't remember?"
          "They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."
          "A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."
          "And we can mark this sector unoccupied."
          "Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"
          "Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."
          "They always come around."
          "And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the universe would be if one were all alone."


Def

[Mike, Lord of the Spammers!]

Where were the both of you to cheer me up with this stuff  monday ;D ;D

Very, very funny guy's keep em coming

[Grant Lamontagne]

There's a whole site of this stuff.  It's one of those sites that hasn't been updated for at least a decade, but for some reason still exists.  I think it's forgotten in the back of some ancient server somewhere, and I can't help but think I should try to contact the owner and offer to archive it for him (or her) as it's amazingly brilliant.  Some of the jokes are old, some are very strange, but I think it's all sheer genius!

http://jewel.morgan.edu/~salimian/humor/index.html

Enjoy!

Def

[NeitherExtreme]

Hey, I like meat! What's wrong with meat??

[NeitherExtreme]

Good link Def I stumbled onto this one there. I had read it a long time ago but forgoten about it. Makes me laugh every time!



Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide!

THE INVISIBLE KILLER

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawl means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

is also know as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain
contibutes to the "greenhouse effect"
may causes severe burns
contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape
accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals
may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile breaks
has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients
CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake and resevior in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars in property damage in the midwest, and recently California.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

as an industrial solvent and coolant
in nuclear power plants
in the production of styrofoam
as a fire retardant
in many forms of cruel animal research
in the distribution of pesticides; even after wasshing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical
as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!
THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!

THe American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance to the ecoomic health of this nation". In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

IT'S NOT TOO LATE!

Act NOW to prevent further contamination!




Some would call me cynical, but I often feel like I am being handed something like this when the "smart people" tell me what's going on. I don't know what's real or what's just made to look real and is really laughable if you know the bigger picture.


(For those who might not have figured it out, Dihydrogen Monoxide = H20 = Water ;D )

[Grant Lamontagne]

Yeah, me too.  I love that one- in fact I think most of the ones there are simply brilliant!  The Theory of Elephanticity might be a little more oddball, but it makes me laugh every time I read it, as does the Dark Sucker Theory.

Def

[Roadie]

I love the dark sucker theory!!

[Grant Lamontagne]

This ones great too:



But that site has what I think if the predecessor of that little clip:

http://jewel.morgan.edu/~salimian/humor/humor_348.html

BOOK

    Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade-named -- BOOK.

    BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it.

    Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc.

    Here's how it works:

        BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.

        Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKS with more information simply use more pages. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.

        BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.

        BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though, like other devices, it can become damaged if coffee is spilled on it and it becomes unusable if dropped too many times on a hard surface. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pin-points the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

        An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOK markers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK. You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with optional programming tools, Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Styli (PENCILS).

    Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave. BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking to invest. Look for a flood of new titles soon.

Def

[Roadie]

Middle Ages tech support, brilliant!! Watching that makes me want to watch blackadder...so thats what i'm going to do!

[Grant Lamontagne]

I haven't watched Black Adder in years!  I love that show!

Def

[NeitherExtreme]

This ones great too:

Ok, that was funny ;D The end was great!