Teenagers.

[nuphoria]

Well, thank you all very much for your thought and well wishes. It has actually just made me smile a lot

I love it here


Little update...

His mum spent a while trying to figure out WTF he was doing last night and I'd say it boils down to 80% extreme teenage BS, and 20% clinical depression. He's unable to express himself so it manifests in self destructive behaviour etc. He is not abused, beaten or hurt here. He gets nothing but support and his needs taken care of, so I have to accept that some of it's clinical at this stage, especially as he claimed to have taken some pills last night - not enough of anything to actually kill himself, but it's an obvious attention seeking tactic. My fury aside, that needs to be addressed. He is also self harming a bit and packed a bag and told her he was leaving... yeah,whatever - make sure you leave your keys

Some psychologists believe that most teenagers present as psychotics - I can believe that at the moment!
So the next step is two fold. We the adults have agreed on an immediate punishment strategy and also she is going to take him to the childrens hospital over the pills/depression issue - they will check to see if he did actually take anything, but also it might scare the crap out of him and snap him out of it a bit and see that posturing or not, there will always be consequences. The hospital will also then put him on "watch" for any further incidents. Aside from the current abhorrent behaviour we have a duty of care while he is a minor, and it seems like a sensible thing to do today. He's due back from school in a bit, so we'll see how it plays out.


Thank you all again guys - having a quiet place here to think out loud has been extremely useful.
I know that this is all casual advice and commentary, and that the internet is hardly the best place for making your decisions, but the support can still be invaluable.

This is the sort of thing that people SHOULDN'T use Facebook for! (he unfriended me too, so I know this is very serious)

[Mr. Whippy]

Sounds like you're on the right track.

Just a couple things come to mind:

1.  Make it clear that his going to the hospital isn't punishment, it's a safety issue.  Any threats of self harm will (and should) be taken seriously and acted upon.  It's not an acceptable "power strategy".

2.  The punishment is related to the aggressive/inappropriate behaviour, NOT the self injury threat. 

Make it clear, non-judgemental and rational.  There will be additional events but hopefully each will be successively stepped down from the previous event.

Good luck! (oh, and keep an OPEN UNITED front between the parents).

[magentus]

Sounds to me like you two are just the caring and loving boundaried parents he needs.

Best wishes 

[AimlessWanderer]

Nice to see some objectivity emerging from the cloud of emotion Nuph  . Sounds like you're getting a handle on it 

Has he got means of getting some sort of release ... other than the usual male teenage one  some sort of metaphorical punchbag that is IS safe to take his tensions out on? As for the other stuff it sounds like a control anxiety may be in there somewhere, and that if he gets something he can take control of (be it real world aspects or hobby based) that might help him alleviate his inner squables too.

Don't get me wrong, he still needs slapping with a wet fish  but just a couple of thoughts on how to give him an acceptable "out" in future - both building less tension, and reducing tension in an acceptable way. The neo-invincible bag of hormones won't be able to figure that out for himself yet, so you'll need to be his guiding light (as well as his perpetual tormentor  ) 

Oh, and I agree with everything Nate's said ... other than the Vic Spirit being too slippery of course 

[Zed]

Sounds like your going down the right route chrissy I'm sure it will all work out well  my oldest is 13 and can be a right cow at times but just frustrated teenage syndrome   

[Grant Lamontagne]

Sounds like the folks here are giving the best advice they can and I agree with all of it, especially the part about getting him an outlet.  Perhaps some organized sport?  Here hockey and basketball (among others) are used to great effect to keep kids in line, exercised, motivated and often too exhausted to cause smurfs. 

Def

Sent from my MB860 using Tapatalk 2

[N_N_R]

Okay... I'm nowhere near being a parent in the near future at least, but still.... I had, well, still have, a ... problematic nephew.. He grew up with me and my own mother while his parents were abroad to earn some more money at a better job position. Anyway, he was quite uncontrollable.. and we all gave it to the fact that he was missing his parents most of the time.. I guess he was also jealous of me having my mother at home, while he didn't, etc.

So my thoughts are ... can he possibly be jealous of you? I mean.. he might want/need more attention from his own mother or something.

No matter how tolerant the world these days is, may be there is still some peer pressure and idiotic friends or classmates might be mocking him about something happening at your family?

Anyway, you know better what the reason might be, but I also think that taking his money away & chasing him out of home would help a lot. After all, he doesn't love you & his mother for the money & the roof over his head only, I hope. The problem might come from the people he meets with, but as he can't do anything about it, he does crap at home or something. ..

Anyway, I can only wish you all the best of luck .. I know teens can be a real pain in the a**. Worked with many for a while, but without much success, I'm not a kid lover yet ...lol.

[ryan1835]

do i get to moan about teenagers too as im no longer one anymore?

[AHB]

do i get to moan about teenagers too as im no longer one anymore?

Please do..

[nuphoria]

I totally agree with Nate too - well thought out words and we are pretty much following that tack. There are two very separate issues to deal with right now.

Also good thoughts NNR, and yes there has been an element of attention seeking because of some of that stuff. He was bullied at school a while back, but that seems to have been resolved. He doesn't accept me as a "parent" either, which is fine to some extent, but not ok when it comes to being disrespectful - this would apply to any adult he behaved badly towards. I am the easy scapegoat in this right now.

As for the physical outlet, we have tried to get him off his arse for years and not had much success. I'm a strong believer in sport, yard work, whatever it is to get them tired and not focused on stupid dramas. He did karate for a few years, then couldn't be bothered... that's the general attitude to everything he does.

The update is that he took more pills today (paracetamol which he claims he got high on) and the hospital want to admit him now. Probably still not enough to do long term liver damage but still bloody stupid and potentially the beginning of more serious behaviour which needs sorting out right now.

I'm so bloody tired today!

[Mr. Whippy]

He did karate for a few years, then couldn't be bothered... that's the general attitude to everything he does.

THAT is a teenage boy.  Asleep at age 12, and wakes up at 17 or so.  There is something that interests him, he's just not acknowledging it yet.  When it becomes clear what it is, quietly support it (big demonstrative shows of support tends to dampen teenage boy enthusiasm.)

Personal grooming often goes out the window too.  Again, my only suggestion is to pick only important battles.  Those things you can stomach to let go, just let go.

It'll be a tough couple years, but it comes to an end eventually.

Ugh.  Glad mine are both past this phase.  Good luck. 

[Whoey]

Considering my somewhat colourful youth (very long story), I can relate to teens being a problem, and obviously knowing it all... substances can cause trouble too, drinking or others.

Patience is hard to find in the middle of a screaming match, it's probably best to have some time apart to cool down, my suggestion is to do some google image searching on wonder woman cosplay to distract yourself...   

Seriously, I had a lot of parent/guardian issues growing up, and after I left home completely, it did start to hit me that I did/said a lot of stupid things when I was younger. Even though I had some fairly aggressive arguments with my foster parents, and they supported me to the end despite all the trouble I caused them, I eventually did call them up many years later to thank them for the effort they put into making me the decent (I think I am) person I am today.

I could tell a hundred stories of things that have happened in my life that would mortify a lot of kids today (and others too!), they really don't get just how good they have it.

[jzmtl]

Get him outside more, running, skiing, paintball, airsoft or whatever, might help a lot with depression. From what I've seen today's karate classes are like dancing class with lots of stupid formalities and they don't really teach you anything useful, so he's probably bored by it.

[nuphoria]

Ugh... his poor mum. She's totally worn out and torn between wanting to hug him and slap him

She just came back to get some PJ's and whatnot so he can stay in hospital, so I threw a sandwich and tea at her quickly before she went off again. It sounds like he's just enjoying the attention and being an immature smartass. I think a night or two on his own without us might do him some good. We are certainly in need of a break and I know the professionals are better equipped to handle him right now.

They will admit him to a ward when a bed comes free and them she can come home and leave him to think about this without any attention from us for a while. They are also monitoring his liver for any damage he may have caused - the irony being he's too damn stupid to realise what he was taking does that. He told the doctors he's been taking paracetamol to chill out because it gets him high... couldn't even put the effort in to a "normal" drug habit. It was not a suicide attempt. He's also bragging about smoking weed and drinking - we know this is very low level if it's even true, and hardly ground breaking for a kid who's nearly 16. He's here all the damn time when not at school, moping about on the internet and sitting on his arse, not out partying.

Hopefully he will be offered counselling and some kind of follow on services too. On an MTO theme, at least he vaguely knew what to pack in his "running away" bag.... took fire starting stuff, hand sanitiser, his LM and a Swiss Champ. Seems I've taught him something at least!

He still needs a monumental fecking slap though
All of this is also timed while she has been recovering from major surgery  3 weeks ago, and really needing him to up his game. He did quite the opposite, and needs to realise that the world does not revolve around his drama and selfish BS regardless of how pissed off or attention starved he thinks he is. I've been caring for her 24/7 and it's only now that she's even able to drive a little bit so this is really not helping. We're both really tired.

As for exercise, he better practice his running skills because next time he tries anything like this he's gonna' need to get the hell away from me very fast

[nuphoria]

Oh, and thanks for the top idea Whoey

[sawman]

If that can free a bed up for him and get him looked at that would be great.  It sounds like a step in the right direction.  The wife and I will be praying for everything to improve 

[nuphoria]

Thank you

He's on a ward.
She's on her way home.
I ordered Chinese takeaway.

And this it is for today... Elvis has definitely left the building

[Essexman]

I've just caught up on this. Best wishes to you all, I really hope things settle down for you soon.

[where's the big hug smilie?]

[Steinar]

I hope tomorrow will be better for you. (Yeah, a big hug smiley would be nice right now. Also, I never remember the codes for other smileys than those I get above the edit window in the browser. Def, we need more emoticons in the menu!  )

[Gareth]

[Essexman]

(Image removed from quote.)

Mate we said BIG HUG. I had to put my glasses on to check what they were doing!

[nuphoria]

I'll take a little one, over none at all

[Gareth]

(Image removed from quote.)

Mate we said BIG HUG. I had to put my glasses on to check what they were doing!

Better?

Joking stuff aside Chrissy I really am thinking of both you and HK.

[Mr. Whippy]

I'll take a little one, over none at all

[sjian]

As a 27 year old who still lives with his parents.  I still feel like my parents don't listen to me even when it seems like everyone else in the world does.

Try to share your experience without sending the impression that you know more than a teen.  Anyone around the age of 16 would rather learn by themselves than have someone tell them whether it's right or wrong.

Maybe I'm being naive myself, but that's my experience.

[ironraven]

Trying to get  high on acetaminophen.. Brilliant. 

I have a cousin has been in residential therapy on and off for four or five years at this point, and with further data this does sound like some of the halfwit stunts she's pulled.  My advice would be leave him there until the pros say he's done. As someone who has clinical depression, I get that there are days where doing something stupid sounds like a good idea, but there is more here than that and hopefully they can find it.

Good luck

[Whoey]

Oh, and thanks for the top idea Whoey

(Image removed from quote.)

np, definitely distracting... 

[Taxi Dad]

Oh, and thanks for the top idea Whoey

(Image removed from quote.)

that is "wrong" on every level !!!
i'm off to 'try' to get this image out of my head

[Ashley]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I believe thats swiss man!

[Grant Lamontagne]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I believe thats swiss man!

That's exactly what I thought when I saw it too!

Def