Please do not take the following review seriously. This is strictly for fun. Just pretend it's not even me writing it. In the spirit of 'Cheap and Cheerful' (and possibly 'Lynn's losing her marbles'), I present...
The Dollar Store $2 nameless thingy!
So. Yeah. I bought this thingy. It's got no name, so I ain't GIVING no name. You can deal with that right now! Anyway, here's what this craptacular piece of chinese stainless steel looks like, so you know what I'm talking about.
Yeah, hot, ain't it? Well, it's hotter than your MOM!
Okay, okay. Anyway, so it's like, I dunno, maybe 14 functions or so. It's got a keyring. It's got some hexagraphical hole dealies on it. That thing there's probably a bottle opener. There's some numbers, both the real ones, and that stupid Canadian stuff. You know, that metrological system, there. Inside, there's a little screwdriver, and a bigger screwdriver, and one of them phelps drivers, and... what the smurf is that? That supposed to be a saw? Okay, well, then you got some... let's see... them look like scissors, and then a nail file and a knife.
Okay. So, how good does this thing do?
Yeah, I got into a bit of a fight with that little screwdriver. I took a file to it. It ain't pretty, but now I can fix cheap sunglasses. It's also not a half bad awl.
Okay, so that other flathead screwdriver ain't all bad. I mean, it's kind of a knuckle biter. It's held into place with malice alone. If it doesn't fold over and bust yer knuckles, it's not completely terrible. It'd probably be good for scraping crap off of a battery terminal, or poking at roadkill carcasses.
Then you got that phelps driver, there. It don't want to stay in a screw head. It sucks, mostly. It's too big to be good for little things, and too little to be good for bigger things.
Okay, so you wanna hear a joke? Your lovelife! Hah! You wanna hear another? The SAW on this thing. Anything it could cut through, you could break with your bare hands. I guess if I was Stroud Q Grylls McGuyver, I could cut a notch in a treebranch to make a trap for Predator skull crushing or something, but since I AIN'T them, I vote this thing worthless.
So... yeah... Scissors! Yup... yup. They cut paper. They cut string. Don't get your hopes much higher, kid. They'll gnaw through paracord like a drowning wharf rat trying to chew through a mooring cable. Which is to say... maybe they'd succeed... eventually, but you'll die first.
Then it's got a nail file. So I can stay pertiful. It works. It actually works good. Huh.
And finally, because I'm already tired of this pile of cheap crap, it's got a little knife blade. It will open packages. With some work on a stone, it'll cut paper. If you ask me about 'edge retention' I swear... well, I WOULD threaten to stab you with it, but that's not hardly a threat at all.
Okay, so the thing you REALLY want to know is this: Does that bottle opener work. And after a lot of really scientisticular testing, I can say, you BET it does!
So, you may wisely be asking yourself, "Self, why-oh-WHY would I ever shell out money for this thing?" and your self may reply with THIS...
Because you can pay with it with the cheeto-encrusted change from your sofa, THAT'S why. This thing ain't gonna change the world, but it's not completely useless either. Go buy one. It'll be a better use of the $2 than buying two McDoubles, fatboy. Don't look at me like that. It only hurts because you know it's true.
1) Bottle Opener!
2) Bottle Opener!
3) Ummmm... I dunno. Let's go with flathead screwdriver.
1) Small flathead. Out of the package, it's kind of worthless
2) Phelps driver. Also worthless.
3) The saw's a joke, The scissors are pretty limited, the blade comes dull, The edges of the tool are too sharp with a few metal burs, There are 3 hex holes and not ONE of them is 1/4" which would have been useful with hex bits, it's hard to get the lanyard ring out of the way when most of the tools are open, "Tool locks" don't actually lock the tools, some manufacturer in China probably stole the design from someone else,