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Jokes for my work group

Grant Lamontagne · 192 · 4841
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ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Jokes for my work group
on: September 26, 2024, 12:41:16 PM
Every morning I text my entire work team with a joke.  It occurred to me that I should probably be sharing them here too.

I warn you, they are usually quite terrible.

Today's joke is:

Quote
Good morning everyone.

People always ask me why my Jeep is green.  That's easy, green is my favorite color.

I like green more than blue and yellow combined.

Have a great day everyone!

 
Yesterday's was:

Quote
Good morning everyone!

I recently bought a TV that said "Built in antenna" and my geography must be a bit rough because I don't even know where Antenna is.

Have a great day everyone!


The one from the previous day was:

Quote
Good morning everyone.

Last night I entered a neck decorating competition. I really thought I was going to win but it indeed with a tie.

Have a great day everyone and stay safe out there!,

If you guys like these I'll make sure to share my morning jokes here too from now on!

Def
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00 Offline Bigshep

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #1 on: September 26, 2024, 03:14:41 PM
 :like: :like: :like:
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pt Offline pfrsantos

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #2 on: September 26, 2024, 04:52:51 PM
________________________________
It is just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

I don't have OCD, I have OCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Eff the ineffable, scrut the inscrutable.

IYCRTYSWTMTFOT


ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #3 on: September 26, 2024, 05:37:15 PM
I'm glad you guys appreciate my comic genius.

Here's a few more from last week.

Good morning everyone, and Happy Friday the 13th! 

In the absence of a joke today, I want to enlighten you on a recent scientific study in which ocean researchers studied how fish live in salsmurfer.

They determined that if the fish were placed in pepper water they just kept sneezing.

And remember, don't trust any clowns today!


Good morning everyone!

I forgot to mention that I got a limousine on the weekend, but when it arrived there was no driver with it.

I spent all that money and got nothing to chauffeur it.

Have a great day everyone!


Good morning everyone.

This morning I put my work boots on the wrong feet, which is weird because I don't even know who's feet they were or how they got in my house.

Have a great day everybody!



I put a lot of effort into these, and that's not a joke.

We are a government agency and a respectful workplace, so no "dirty" jokes- nothing sexual, nothing racial, nothing offensive, as you would expect.

But, as we have a few immigrants as well, I have to avoid pop culture references because they may not know what it's about.  I had sent one that was supposed to say "Dress for the job you want, so I'm going to work as Batman now."

One guy is in his 50's and recently emigrated from Nigeria, so there's a good chance he doesn't know who Batman is, so I had to put "secret agent astronaut billionaire" instead of Batman.

Do you have any idea how hard it is not to tell Star Wars type jokes for a nerd like me?   :P

Also, several of my coworkers speak other languages and have varying skill with English, so I have to avoid anything with complex or esoteric language that they may not get, or may not translate well. 

For the record, their English skills are excellent, and there are no issues understanding any of them, but some words may simply be ones they have yet to encounter.

There is a very narrow area where jokes can avoid all of the no no's and still be funny, and it's a fun challenge for me to make it work.

I'll admit, some days are better than others, but I'm enjoying the ride so far!

Def
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us Offline nate j

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #4 on: September 27, 2024, 04:16:19 AM
 :rofl:

 :popcorn:
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ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #5 on: September 27, 2024, 01:54:16 PM
One of my coworkers turns 30 on Sunday.  I didn't want to "out" her so I kept it incognito, but I still wanted to wish her a happy birthday.

Quote
Happy Friday everyone!

Just in case someone is celebrating a milestone birthday this weekend, I'd like to offer the following:

Forget about the past, you can't change it.
Forget about the future, you can't predict it.
Forget about the present, because I didn't get you one!

Have a great weekend everyone, and happy birthday to anyone celebrating a big day, possibly on Sunday!

Def
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Merit Badges Take part in the christmas pool or a rak type giveaway. Those wanting to say thank you for a rak may also nominate for the santa. For those who posted like a boss. Post your pocket dump photos then challenge two more members who must post their pocket dump photos within 24hrs for you to get the badge. Start a new thread with a photo of custom or non standard SAK scales in your collection Start a thread with a photo of a repair you made with duct tape Start a new thread including a photo of shooting at least two (2) different airguns and at least one (1) photo of target (airguns) Start a thread with a photo of at least ten OPT's in your collection Must start a thread with a photo of at least five (5) of your watches Must start a thread showing a photo of at least eight BO tools Start a thread with photos of at least 1 MTO branded tool in your collection Start a new thread showing photos of your outdoor cooking Must have a review written in the proper format and posted on the Main Site Start a new thread with a photo of at least 5 different Charge models in your collection

us Offline Farmer X

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #6 on: September 28, 2024, 08:32:06 PM
 :rofl: I could apply the green logic to orange.
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fr Offline Whoey

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #7 on: October 01, 2024, 07:37:55 PM
 :drink:

* FB_IMG_1727804199867.jpg (Filesize: 71.64 KB)
The difficult we do immediately, the impossible takes a little longer.
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hr Offline styx

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #8 on: October 01, 2024, 08:08:07 PM
these are great
Solving problems you didn't know you had in the most obscure way possible

"And now, it's time to hand this over to our tame race axe driver. Some say, he can live in the forest for six months at a time without food, and he knows of a secret tribe of only women where he is their God. All we know is, he's call the Styx!" - TazzieRob
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ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #9 on: October 02, 2024, 01:37:22 PM
Good one Micah!

Today's team joke is:

Good morning everyone!

Don't forget to give %100 in everything you do today!

Unless you are donating blood, in which case, please don't!

Have a great day everyone!


Yesterday's joke (since I forgot to post it) references the holiday we had on Monday:

Good morning everyone!

Even long weekends pass by too quickly.

It is said that time flies like an arrow.

And fruit flies like a banana.

Have a great day everyone!

Def
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Merit Badges Take part in the christmas pool or a rak type giveaway. Those wanting to say thank you for a rak may also nominate for the santa. For those who posted like a boss. Post your pocket dump photos then challenge two more members who must post their pocket dump photos within 24hrs for you to get the badge. Start a new thread with a photo of custom or non standard SAK scales in your collection Start a thread with a photo of a repair you made with duct tape Start a new thread including a photo of shooting at least two (2) different airguns and at least one (1) photo of target (airguns) Start a thread with a photo of at least ten OPT's in your collection Must start a thread with a photo of at least five (5) of your watches Must start a thread showing a photo of at least eight BO tools Start a thread with photos of at least 1 MTO branded tool in your collection Start a new thread showing photos of your outdoor cooking Must have a review written in the proper format and posted on the Main Site Start a new thread with a photo of at least 5 different Charge models in your collection

vn Offline friendliestdoggo

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #10 on: October 02, 2024, 08:22:08 PM
Good entertaining topic  :rofl: keep it going

ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #11 on: October 03, 2024, 01:50:38 PM
Good.

Today's team joke:

Good morning everyone!

What can't you tell when a pterodactyl is in your washroom?

Because the P is silent!

Have a great day everyone!

Def
There are none so blind as those who will not see.
Merit Badges Take part in the christmas pool or a rak type giveaway. Those wanting to say thank you for a rak may also nominate for the santa. For those who posted like a boss. Post your pocket dump photos then challenge two more members who must post their pocket dump photos within 24hrs for you to get the badge. Start a new thread with a photo of custom or non standard SAK scales in your collection Start a thread with a photo of a repair you made with duct tape Start a new thread including a photo of shooting at least two (2) different airguns and at least one (1) photo of target (airguns) Start a thread with a photo of at least ten OPT's in your collection Must start a thread with a photo of at least five (5) of your watches Must start a thread showing a photo of at least eight BO tools Start a thread with photos of at least 1 MTO branded tool in your collection Start a new thread showing photos of your outdoor cooking Must have a review written in the proper format and posted on the Main Site Start a new thread with a photo of at least 5 different Charge models in your collection

us Online PitCarver

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #12 on: October 03, 2024, 06:30:23 PM
Well done.  Just gotta follow this thread to get my daily chuckle.
Addicted to sharp pointy things.
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vn Offline friendliestdoggo

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #13 on: October 03, 2024, 11:46:30 PM
 :iagree:

ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #14 on: October 04, 2024, 02:10:04 PM
Yesterday I challenged my team to provide their own jokes for today.  The winner gets a $10 gift card to Tim Hortons, a coffee and doughnut shop popular across Canada.

I kicked it off with this text:

Remember that ONLY jokes in the group chat are eligible!!!!

To kick this off, why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?

Because they are extinct!

Now it's your turn!


Here are the entries:

Person 1- I really like my new thermos- it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!

Person 2- What do you have in it?

Person 1- two cups of coffee and a popsicle!


 :D


What's the difference between taxes and death?

Congress doesn't meet every year to discuss how to make death worse.

 :D


Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh!!!


 :D


Last entry:

What has more lives than a cat?

A frog- because it croaks every day!

 :D

I enjoyed them all, and so I had my friend pick his favorite.

Tigger won. 

Def
There are none so blind as those who will not see.
Merit Badges Take part in the christmas pool or a rak type giveaway. Those wanting to say thank you for a rak may also nominate for the santa. For those who posted like a boss. Post your pocket dump photos then challenge two more members who must post their pocket dump photos within 24hrs for you to get the badge. Start a new thread with a photo of custom or non standard SAK scales in your collection Start a thread with a photo of a repair you made with duct tape Start a new thread including a photo of shooting at least two (2) different airguns and at least one (1) photo of target (airguns) Start a thread with a photo of at least ten OPT's in your collection Must start a thread with a photo of at least five (5) of your watches Must start a thread showing a photo of at least eight BO tools Start a thread with photos of at least 1 MTO branded tool in your collection Start a new thread showing photos of your outdoor cooking Must have a review written in the proper format and posted on the Main Site Start a new thread with a photo of at least 5 different Charge models in your collection

fr Offline Whoey

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #15 on: October 04, 2024, 02:12:00 PM
Toilet humour always wins
The difficult we do immediately, the impossible takes a little longer.
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ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #16 on: October 05, 2024, 12:06:07 AM
Oh, one I forgot because it wasn't part of the group chat.

What should you do if you find a bra on the road?

Nothing, it could be a booby trap.

Def
There are none so blind as those who will not see.
Merit Badges Take part in the christmas pool or a rak type giveaway. Those wanting to say thank you for a rak may also nominate for the santa. For those who posted like a boss. Post your pocket dump photos then challenge two more members who must post their pocket dump photos within 24hrs for you to get the badge. Start a new thread with a photo of custom or non standard SAK scales in your collection Start a thread with a photo of a repair you made with duct tape Start a new thread including a photo of shooting at least two (2) different airguns and at least one (1) photo of target (airguns) Start a thread with a photo of at least ten OPT's in your collection Must start a thread with a photo of at least five (5) of your watches Must start a thread showing a photo of at least eight BO tools Start a thread with photos of at least 1 MTO branded tool in your collection Start a new thread showing photos of your outdoor cooking Must have a review written in the proper format and posted on the Main Site Start a new thread with a photo of at least 5 different Charge models in your collection

us Offline Farmer X

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #17 on: October 05, 2024, 10:26:37 PM
Some truly classic stuff here! And Tim Horton's is excellent, too. I think there are still a few in my area.
USN 2000-2006

Culling of the knife and multi herds in progress...

If I pay five figures for something, it better have wings or a foundation!
Merit Badges Participants shall carry and use one Soldier knife, the model of their choosing, for the duration of the 90 days and post a picture each day. Participate  in Challenge thread and post a photo of a Farmer X SAK for thirty (30) consecutive days. Participate  in Challenge thread and post a photo of a Delemont SAK for thirty (30) consecutive days. Build your own version of an MRE using off-the-shelf components, post a photo of the completed MRE and store at room temperature for 6 days or more. Consume the MRE after the storage period and post pictures and descriptions of the contents. Take part in the christmas pool or a rak type giveaway. Those wanting to say thank you for a rak may also nominate for the santa. Participate in a Challenge and post a photo of a Utility Knife for thirty (30) consecutive days. Participate  in a Challenge thread and post a photo of a LM Pocket Survival Tool for thirty (30) consecutive days. Start a new thread and post a photo of the multitool for thirty (30) consecutive days. Start a new thread and post a photo of the pen for thirty (30) consecutive days. Start a new thread with photos of your zip ties in use Complete a 30 day challenge for carrying a different Multi tool each day of the week based on one of the daily carry threads Participate in a Challenge and post a photo of a Traditional Scout Knife (No SAK's Allowed) for thirty (30) consecutive days. Start a new thread and post a photo of any gear for thirty (30) consecutive days during the MTo anniversary month. Start a thread with a photo of a repair you made with duct tape Start a new thread with photos of at least 8 different Wenger models in your collection Must update or add a page on the Multitool.org Multitool Encyclopedia Start a new thread with photos of your Mora knives in use Start a new thread with photos of your hobo knives in use Start a new thread showing photos of your outdoor cooking Participate in a Challenge thread and post a photo of  a Leatherman Micra  for 30 days Must start a thread with a photo of at least three (3) of your watches

us Offline ThundahBeagle

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #18 on: October 07, 2024, 01:42:08 PM
Ah, the Dad Jokes.  Gotta love em.

By the way, I wouldn't shy away from some light-hearted pop culture references.  Anyone with a phone can Google it.  They'll chucke later, and pick up on a few new items that may help them be more comfortable in company.  Just my 2 c.

Good stuff

ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #19 on: October 07, 2024, 05:24:49 PM
Here's today's:

Good morning everyone!

It's my opinion that there are three kinds of people in the world.  Those who can count, and those who can't.

Have a great day everyone!

Def
There are none so blind as those who will not see.
Merit Badges Take part in the christmas pool or a rak type giveaway. Those wanting to say thank you for a rak may also nominate for the santa. For those who posted like a boss. Post your pocket dump photos then challenge two more members who must post their pocket dump photos within 24hrs for you to get the badge. Start a new thread with a photo of custom or non standard SAK scales in your collection Start a thread with a photo of a repair you made with duct tape Start a new thread including a photo of shooting at least two (2) different airguns and at least one (1) photo of target (airguns) Start a thread with a photo of at least ten OPT's in your collection Must start a thread with a photo of at least five (5) of your watches Must start a thread showing a photo of at least eight BO tools Start a thread with photos of at least 1 MTO branded tool in your collection Start a new thread showing photos of your outdoor cooking Must have a review written in the proper format and posted on the Main Site Start a new thread with a photo of at least 5 different Charge models in your collection

fr Offline Whoey

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #20 on: October 07, 2024, 08:31:28 PM
Quote from: Grant Lamontagne on October 07, 2024, 05:24:49 PM
Here's today's:

Good morning everyone!

It's my opinion that there are three kinds of people in the world.  Those who can count, and those who can't.

Have a great day everyone!

Def

There's an IT version which goes:

There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those that understand binary and those that don't.
The difficult we do immediately, the impossible takes a little longer.
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us Offline lazar

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #21 on: October 07, 2024, 09:11:16 PM
Quote from: Grant Lamontagne on October 04, 2024, 02:10:04 PM

Last entry:

What has more lives than a cat?

A frog- because it croaks every day!

This one was my favorite entry!
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ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #22 on: October 08, 2024, 01:20:25 AM
Quote from: Whoey on October 07, 2024, 08:31:28 PM
There's an IT version which goes:

There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those that understand binary and those that don't.

I was very tempted to use that one instead.  I love that one!

Def
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Merit Badges Take part in the christmas pool or a rak type giveaway. Those wanting to say thank you for a rak may also nominate for the santa. For those who posted like a boss. Post your pocket dump photos then challenge two more members who must post their pocket dump photos within 24hrs for you to get the badge. Start a new thread with a photo of custom or non standard SAK scales in your collection Start a thread with a photo of a repair you made with duct tape Start a new thread including a photo of shooting at least two (2) different airguns and at least one (1) photo of target (airguns) Start a thread with a photo of at least ten OPT's in your collection Must start a thread with a photo of at least five (5) of your watches Must start a thread showing a photo of at least eight BO tools Start a thread with photos of at least 1 MTO branded tool in your collection Start a new thread showing photos of your outdoor cooking Must have a review written in the proper format and posted on the Main Site Start a new thread with a photo of at least 5 different Charge models in your collection

ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #23 on: October 08, 2024, 02:49:18 PM
Today's work joke is funny because we (CUPE staff) are the New Construction wing of the Department of Public Works.  Basically we build new highways and stuff.

Good morning everyone!

Just a reminder about honestly at work- a CUPE staff member was recently fired for stealing.

I didn't want to believe it, but when their garage was searched all the signs were there.

Have a great day everyone- our PPE today will include SCUBA tanks!

Also it's raining today, hence the SCUBA tank thing.

Def
There are none so blind as those who will not see.
Merit Badges Take part in the christmas pool or a rak type giveaway. Those wanting to say thank you for a rak may also nominate for the santa. For those who posted like a boss. Post your pocket dump photos then challenge two more members who must post their pocket dump photos within 24hrs for you to get the badge. Start a new thread with a photo of custom or non standard SAK scales in your collection Start a thread with a photo of a repair you made with duct tape Start a new thread including a photo of shooting at least two (2) different airguns and at least one (1) photo of target (airguns) Start a thread with a photo of at least ten OPT's in your collection Must start a thread with a photo of at least five (5) of your watches Must start a thread showing a photo of at least eight BO tools Start a thread with photos of at least 1 MTO branded tool in your collection Start a new thread showing photos of your outdoor cooking Must have a review written in the proper format and posted on the Main Site Start a new thread with a photo of at least 5 different Charge models in your collection

ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #24 on: October 09, 2024, 01:22:30 PM
Good morning everyone!

I always tell you to be safe on site because I once saw a horrible accident on site where a worker had the whole left side of their body cut off.

They are all right now.

Have a great (and safe!) day out there today!

Def
There are none so blind as those who will not see.
Merit Badges Take part in the christmas pool or a rak type giveaway. Those wanting to say thank you for a rak may also nominate for the santa. For those who posted like a boss. Post your pocket dump photos then challenge two more members who must post their pocket dump photos within 24hrs for you to get the badge. Start a new thread with a photo of custom or non standard SAK scales in your collection Start a thread with a photo of a repair you made with duct tape Start a new thread including a photo of shooting at least two (2) different airguns and at least one (1) photo of target (airguns) Start a thread with a photo of at least ten OPT's in your collection Must start a thread with a photo of at least five (5) of your watches Must start a thread showing a photo of at least eight BO tools Start a thread with photos of at least 1 MTO branded tool in your collection Start a new thread showing photos of your outdoor cooking Must have a review written in the proper format and posted on the Main Site Start a new thread with a photo of at least 5 different Charge models in your collection

gb Offline SteveO

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #25 on: October 09, 2024, 11:32:42 PM
Researchers have discovered that the only regional world cuisine that isn’t an aphrodisiac is South Asian.

The person credited with the discovery was actually Phil Collins’ mother.

When asked to comment on the finding, she said, “You can’t curry love”.

ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #26 on: October 10, 2024, 07:54:59 PM
Good one Steve!

Here is today's team joke:

Good morning everyone!

You know what I find really odd?

Every other number.

I know, I know, that was terrible.  Math jokes aren't always awful, just sum.

Have a great day everyone!

Def
There are none so blind as those who will not see.
Merit Badges Take part in the christmas pool or a rak type giveaway. Those wanting to say thank you for a rak may also nominate for the santa. For those who posted like a boss. Post your pocket dump photos then challenge two more members who must post their pocket dump photos within 24hrs for you to get the badge. Start a new thread with a photo of custom or non standard SAK scales in your collection Start a thread with a photo of a repair you made with duct tape Start a new thread including a photo of shooting at least two (2) different airguns and at least one (1) photo of target (airguns) Start a thread with a photo of at least ten OPT's in your collection Must start a thread with a photo of at least five (5) of your watches Must start a thread showing a photo of at least eight BO tools Start a thread with photos of at least 1 MTO branded tool in your collection Start a new thread showing photos of your outdoor cooking Must have a review written in the proper format and posted on the Main Site Start a new thread with a photo of at least 5 different Charge models in your collection

ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #27 on: October 11, 2024, 12:44:36 PM
Here is today's, even though I'm on vacation!

Good morning everyone!

I've made it to Toronto without a problem, but I have been wondering, if a word is mis spelled in the dictionary, how would we know?

Have a great weekend everyone!  Happy Thanksgiving!

Def
There are none so blind as those who will not see.
Merit Badges Take part in the christmas pool or a rak type giveaway. Those wanting to say thank you for a rak may also nominate for the santa. For those who posted like a boss. Post your pocket dump photos then challenge two more members who must post their pocket dump photos within 24hrs for you to get the badge. Start a new thread with a photo of custom or non standard SAK scales in your collection Start a thread with a photo of a repair you made with duct tape Start a new thread including a photo of shooting at least two (2) different airguns and at least one (1) photo of target (airguns) Start a thread with a photo of at least ten OPT's in your collection Must start a thread with a photo of at least five (5) of your watches Must start a thread showing a photo of at least eight BO tools Start a thread with photos of at least 1 MTO branded tool in your collection Start a new thread showing photos of your outdoor cooking Must have a review written in the proper format and posted on the Main Site Start a new thread with a photo of at least 5 different Charge models in your collection

pt Offline pfrsantos

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #28 on: October 14, 2024, 06:03:12 PM
That reminded me of an advert I saw for a new dictionary for masochists. It's just like a regular dictionary, but the words are not in alphabetical order.

 :hatsoff:
________________________________
It is just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

I don't have OCD, I have OCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Eff the ineffable, scrut the inscrutable.

IYCRTYSWTMTFOT


ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #29 on: October 14, 2024, 10:36:58 PM
Hahaha good one!

Def
There are none so blind as those who will not see.
Merit Badges Take part in the christmas pool or a rak type giveaway. Those wanting to say thank you for a rak may also nominate for the santa. For those who posted like a boss. Post your pocket dump photos then challenge two more members who must post their pocket dump photos within 24hrs for you to get the badge. Start a new thread with a photo of custom or non standard SAK scales in your collection Start a thread with a photo of a repair you made with duct tape Start a new thread including a photo of shooting at least two (2) different airguns and at least one (1) photo of target (airguns) Start a thread with a photo of at least ten OPT's in your collection Must start a thread with a photo of at least five (5) of your watches Must start a thread showing a photo of at least eight BO tools Start a thread with photos of at least 1 MTO branded tool in your collection Start a new thread showing photos of your outdoor cooking Must have a review written in the proper format and posted on the Main Site Start a new thread with a photo of at least 5 different Charge models in your collection

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