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Jokes for my work group

fr Offline Whoey

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #30 on: October 15, 2024, 05:57:38 PM
Posted in the work forum:
 
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
The difficult we do immediately, the impossible takes a little longer.


ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #31 on: October 16, 2024, 12:48:17 AM
Those are some good ones- I may have to use some of them!   :tu:

Def
Leave the dents as they are- let your belongings show their scars as proudly as you do yours.


pt Offline pfrsantos

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #32 on: October 24, 2024, 12:25:15 PM
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

 :think: :think:
________________________________
It is just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

I don't have OCD, I have OCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Eff the ineffable, scrut the inscrutable.

IYCRTYSWTMTFOT



pt Offline pfrsantos

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #33 on: October 24, 2024, 12:31:54 PM
Never argue with someone whose IQ is lower than the room temperature.

 :twak: :twak:
________________________________
It is just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

I don't have OCD, I have OCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Eff the ineffable, scrut the inscrutable.

IYCRTYSWTMTFOT



ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #34 on: October 24, 2024, 12:50:24 PM
Never argue with someone whose IQ is lower than the room temperature.

 :twak: :twak:

That is almost everyone I work with....   :facepalm:

Today's team joke now that I am back to work:

Good morning everyone!

While I was gone I went to see an aquarium, but I didn't stay long.

There was just something fishy about that place.

Have a great day everyone!

Def
Leave the dents as they are- let your belongings show their scars as proudly as you do yours.


ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #35 on: October 25, 2024, 01:34:52 PM
Today's joke:

Good morning everyone!

I recently spoke with a poet who only wrote verses about old wells.

His stuff was pretty deep.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Def
Leave the dents as they are- let your belongings show their scars as proudly as you do yours.


ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #36 on: October 29, 2024, 12:36:28 AM
Today's team joke:

Good morning everyone, and happy Monday!

Since Halloween is on Thursday, all jokes this week will be Halloween themed!  Consider yourselves warned....

Why are there no good vampire artists?

Because they can only draw blood!

Have a great day everyone!

Def
Leave the dents as they are- let your belongings show their scars as proudly as you do yours.


gb Offline andywork

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #37 on: October 29, 2024, 07:17:03 AM
That reminds me, I once met a vegetarian vampire.

I asked him, “Why are you vegetarian?”
He said, “I heard that ‘stakes’ aren’t good for your heart”. ;)


ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #38 on: October 29, 2024, 09:35:58 AM
Good one!

I may have to steal that one some time!

Def
Leave the dents as they are- let your belongings show their scars as proudly as you do yours.


ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #39 on: October 29, 2024, 12:13:55 PM
Here's today's:

Good morning everyone!

How did vampires get here from Europe?

They came over on blood vessels!

Have a great day everyone!

Def
Leave the dents as they are- let your belongings show their scars as proudly as you do yours.


gb Offline andywork

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #40 on: October 29, 2024, 02:02:53 PM
Good one!

I may have to steal that one some time!

Def

You’re more than welcome. :hatsoff:


ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #41 on: October 30, 2024, 12:14:35 PM
Good morning everyone!

This year for Halloween I am going to dress as a procrastinator- a costume I'll throw together at the last minute!

Have a great day everyone!

Def
Leave the dents as they are- let your belongings show their scars as proudly as you do yours.


gb Offline andywork

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #42 on: October 30, 2024, 08:28:52 PM
If you want to do well in business; be like my budgie.

He always ‘sucks seeds’. :D

[Edited for spelling. :( I guess I’m not succeeding today…  ::) ]
« Last Edit: October 30, 2024, 08:56:41 PM by andywork »


ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #43 on: October 31, 2024, 12:25:46 AM
Hahaha another good one!   :D

Def
Leave the dents as they are- let your belongings show their scars as proudly as you do yours.


ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #44 on: October 31, 2024, 12:41:54 PM
Today's joke:

Happy Halloween everyone!

Everyone knows Einstein was a genius, but few know his brother Frank was a monster!

Judging by how many of you said BOO to that one I'm going to guess you are all dressing as ghosts for Halloween this year! 

I realize it's a day early, but I've already started my Movember campaign for this year- and since it's also Payday it seems like a good time to hit you all up!

https://ca.movember.com/mospace/884328

Have a great day everyone!

Def
Leave the dents as they are- let your belongings show their scars as proudly as you do yours.


ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #45 on: November 01, 2024, 12:08:17 PM
Today's joke:

Happy Friday everyone!

Last night on the way home I donated blood, but it will probably be the last time I do.

There were just so many questions, like whose blood is it, where did you get it and why is it in a bucket?

Have a great Friday everyone, and remember, we are ACTUALLY in Movember now!

https://ca.movember.com/mospace/884328

And HUGE thanks to those of you who already donated!

Def
Leave the dents as they are- let your belongings show their scars as proudly as you do yours.


gb Offline andywork

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #46 on: November 01, 2024, 01:41:13 PM
 :rofl:


ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #47 on: November 05, 2024, 01:32:09 PM
I didn't go to work yesterday because of a mechanical problem with the Jeep, but I borrowed Megan's Volvo for today. 

It's raining pretty hard at the moment, so I made sure to come up with some appropriate jokes.  I hope you enjoy them!

Good morning everyone!

What a miserable wet day out there!  But, you know what they say about raindrops- two is company, three is a cloud!

There isn't supposed to be any lightning today, but if there is, make sure to conduct yourselves appropriately!

Stay safe and dry everyone

Def
Leave the dents as they are- let your belongings show their scars as proudly as you do yours.


us Offline Farmer X

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #48 on: November 06, 2024, 11:23:53 AM
 :rofl:
USN 2000-2006

Culling of the knife and multi herds in progress...

If I pay five figures for something, it better have wings or a foundation!


ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #49 on: November 06, 2024, 02:12:24 PM
Our project is almost finished, so there's a lot of paving going on at the moment.

Good morning everyone!

In honor of all the paving going on.....

A man walks into a bar with a hunk of asphalt under his arm.  The bartender says "what will you have?"

The man says "a shot of whisky for me, and a beer for the road."

No? 

Okay, a hunk of asphalt walks into a hotel and asks if they have any rooms available. 

The desk clerk looks him up and down and says "does this look like a roadhouse to you?"

Have a great day everyone.... And HUGE thanks to those of you who have already donated to the Movember Foundation! 
MoSpaceSharing
 https://ca.movember.com/mospace/884328?utm_source=qrcode&utm_medium=mo_app&utm_campaign=movember&utm_content=app_share_mospace_qr

Def
Leave the dents as they are- let your belongings show their scars as proudly as you do yours.


us Offline Farmer X

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #50 on: November 07, 2024, 02:01:48 AM
 :rofl: I'll tell the "guy walks into a bar" joke at work tomorrow!
USN 2000-2006

Culling of the knife and multi herds in progress...

If I pay five figures for something, it better have wings or a foundation!


ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #51 on: November 07, 2024, 01:19:42 PM
SET THE TONE!

I've been sharing a lot about Movember lately and, fair warning, I'll keep it up through the month. But mental health isn't something we only focus on in November—it’s something we live with year-round.

In my own small way, I try to lighten the day for my team. Every morning, I start by sending a joke to our work group. Today’s went like this:

Good morning everyone! Here’s a bit of wisdom for your day:

There are only two kinds of people in this world:

1 - Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

Have a great day everyone!

It’s a small thing, but if we can all start the day with a smile (even if it's paired with a slight eye-roll), it can set a positive tone.

https://ca.movember.com/mospace/884328

#movember #letstalk #smallactionsbigimpact

Def
Leave the dents as they are- let your belongings show their scars as proudly as you do yours.


ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #52 on: November 07, 2024, 01:30:43 PM
A bit of clarification may be required.

In many sports, but especially hockey, the term "Set the tone!" is like a battle cry. It basically means that you take the dominant position and "set the tone" for the game and the other players.

They say it a lot in a Canadian show called Shoresy, about an aging hockey player in a minor league.  If you don't mind a lot of foul language and the occasional bit of nudity, I highly recommend the show.  It seems very silly on the surface, but is actually extremely well written. 

https://youtu.be/Pb7aEThIdKw?si=z8Npm6vi44fZfLON

But that's beside the point- the reason I tell these horrible jokes every morning is to set the tone for the day.  Make it a positive one.  Sure the day is going to wear on you, but if you start higher up, you stand a better chance of making it through with your head held high, even in a workplace like mine where morale is painfully low.

It's a little thing, but setting a positive tone for the day just as it's beginning can make all the difference to a lot of people.

Def
Leave the dents as they are- let your belongings show their scars as proudly as you do yours.


pt Offline pfrsantos

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #53 on: November 07, 2024, 04:43:24 PM
A bit of clarification may be required.

In many sports, but especially hockey, the term "Set the tone!" is like a battle cry. It basically means that you take the dominant position and "set the tone" for the game and the other players.

They say it a lot in a Canadian show called Shoresy, about an aging hockey player in a minor league.  If you don't mind a lot of foul language and the occasional bit of nudity, I highly recommend the show.  It seems very silly on the surface, but is actually extremely well written. 

https://youtu.be/Pb7aEThIdKw?si=z8Npm6vi44fZfLON

But that's beside the point- the reason I tell these horrible jokes every morning is to set the tone for the day.  Make it a positive one.  Sure the day is going to wear on you, but if you start higher up, you stand a better chance of making it through with your head held high, even in a workplace like mine where morale is painfully low.

It's a little thing, but setting a positive tone for the day just as it's beginning can make all the difference to a lot of people.

Def
Have you watched Letterkenny?

 :pok: :pok:
________________________________
It is just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

I don't have OCD, I have OCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Eff the ineffable, scrut the inscrutable.

IYCRTYSWTMTFOT



pt Offline pfrsantos

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #54 on: November 07, 2024, 04:43:42 PM
So, back on topic:



 :whistle:
________________________________
It is just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

I don't have OCD, I have OCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Eff the ineffable, scrut the inscrutable.

IYCRTYSWTMTFOT



ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #55 on: November 07, 2024, 09:17:57 PM
Have you watched Letterkenny?

 :pok: :pok:

Of course I have.   :D

Personally I prefer Shoresy though.  It was all filmed in and around Sudbury, where my brother and his family live.

And, I live near where most of the Trailer Park Boys is filmed, just in case you follow all fine Canadian TV.   :facepalm:

Oh, and Whoey and I used to live not too far from Kim's Convenience....

It's a big country, but I really get around.

Def
Leave the dents as they are- let your belongings show their scars as proudly as you do yours.


ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #56 on: November 08, 2024, 01:20:36 PM
Today's joke:

Good morning everyone and happy Friday!

Doing Movember this month has left me feeling quite charitable, and I thought maybe I should donate some of my clothing to help people who are starving.

Then I realized that anyone that could fit into my clothes is obviously not starving!

Have a great long weekend everyone!

Also.....

https://ca.movember.com/mospace/884328 :)

Def
Leave the dents as they are- let your belongings show their scars as proudly as you do yours.


ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #57 on: November 13, 2024, 12:35:31 PM
Catching up again:

Good morning everyone!

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Their middle name!

Have a great day and don't forget to call in for the Toolbox Meeting!

And:

Good morning everyone!

A cooking tip for you today.  If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock.

Tell me that isn't humerus!

Have a great day everyone!

Def
Leave the dents as they are- let your belongings show their scars as proudly as you do yours.


ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #58 on: November 15, 2024, 01:03:37 PM
Here is today's joke:

Happy Friday everyone!

A palindrome is a word that is spelled exactly the same whether it's backwards or forwards.

For example, when spelled backwards, racecar is racecar.

Interestingly enough, when upside down, racecar is expensive.

Happy Friday everyone!  Have a great weekend!

And apparently I forgot to post yesterday's here:

Good morning everyone!

What do you call a crab that likes to paint?

Leonardo Da Pinchy!

Have a great day everyone!

Def
Leave the dents as they are- let your belongings show their scars as proudly as you do yours.


ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #59 on: November 18, 2024, 02:21:28 PM
Today's team joke:

Good morning everyone!

I have a confession to make.  I'm extremely afraid of elevators, and I have been taking steps to avoid them.

I'm also terrified of tsunamis, but that comes in waves.

Have a great (and safe!) day out there!

Def
Leave the dents as they are- let your belongings show their scars as proudly as you do yours.


 

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