A classic if ever there was one

[Grant Lamontagne]

I know this one isn't new, but I still laugh whenever it shows up! 

HOW TO MEDICATE YOUR PET CAT:

       1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position left hand forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

       2.  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

       3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

       4.  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back  of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of  ten.

       5.  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.

       6.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

       7.  Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

       8.  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

       9.  Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans; drink 1 beer
to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove  blood
from carpet with cold water and soap.

       10.  Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open
another beer.  Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave
head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with elastic band.

       11.  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges.  Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.  Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.

       Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot.
Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

       12.  Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the
road.  Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving  to avoid
cat.

       Take last pill from foil wrap.

       13.  Tie the little smurf's front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning
gloves from shed.   Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet
steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water
down throat  to wash pill down.

       14.  Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and
removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to
order new table.

       15.  Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local
pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

       1.  Wrap it in bacon.

       2.  Toss it in the air.



Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Martini in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!!!!"

Def

[bobofish]

To hell with it. Just use suppositories. If the pills are only to be taken orally, shove it up the cat's meow anyway.

[ducktapehero]

I like my cats but if they need pills and fight me, tough Shiite. 

[Grant Lamontagne]

Another good reason to prefer dogs!

Def

[CQC-7]

My wife loves cats.  She had one cat that I liked and he liked me as well.  She got rid of that cat.  It seems like every animal that she has that likes me, disappears not long after it prefers me over her.  et she wonders why I wont buy her any more animals.   

[NutSAK]

My wife loves cats.  She had one cat that I liked and he liked me as well.  She got rid of that cat.  It seems like every animal that she has that likes me, disappears not long after it prefers me over her.  et she wonders why I wont buy her any more animals.   

If my wife were that way with dogs, we'd never have any!

I spend a great deal of time training my dogs, especially when they are young.  She doesn't understand that the most important thing that training does is form a mutual respect between the dog and the owner.  She just wants them to sit in the recliner with her.  She is highly disappointed when I enter the room and they jump down out of the chair, sit at my feet and look at me patiently, waiting for my attention.

[WhichDawg]

That is so funny! I've never seen it before thx

[bobofish]

I have to say though, sometimes it's not as easy as wrapping a pill in bacon and throwing it in the air for dogs.

I had a great Cocker Spaniel that had some heart trouble as he neared his 18th year. He was pretty skillful at taking whatever I wrapped his pill in and dissecting it in his mouth and dropping the pill out the side of his mouth. I had to wrap better.

My wife's dad bred German Shepherds in Poland and one of the dogs was smart enough to do your taxes, and arrange ways for you to offshore your money in the Caymans. Not only with pills, but with nuggets of food that included something she didn't like, she would chew on the object for up to 10 minutes, and quietly drop the offending ingredient out the side of her mouth when noone was looking in a place noone suspected. One day they found 3 dozen pills behind a bookshelf.

[kreskin13]

That is so funny! I've never seen it before thx

I'm with you Whichdawg, that's funny as hell! I've never seen that one before.

It looked a little long winded at first to read at 4:30 in the morning, just starting work, so I jumped to the end, saw the dog part and got a good chuckle. After that I read the whole thing and am sitting here like a fool, by myself, laughing until my sides hurt!

Thanks Def, a good laugh is a great way to start the day.

I'll have to tell the story someday about the time my brother and I gave tried to give 3 cats a bath!

Calvin

[Grant Lamontagne]

Cat bathing huh?  Reminds me of another one...

   1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
   2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids lifted.
   3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
   4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
   5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I found to be quite effective.
   6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
   7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.
   8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,
The Dog

Then there's this article entitled "Cat Bathing as a Martial Art"

1 Know that although the kitty cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, we recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
2 Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. We recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
3 Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)
4 Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have now begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
5 Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
6 Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.
7 You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better.

Def

[bobofish]

Did I forget to mention that I had a cat whose self defense mechanism to combat fear was pooping? If you grabbed her too quickly....glop. If you tried to pick her up.....glop. I've smelled some aweful things in my life, but those were right up there.

[kreskin13]

I think you could skip step 1, the cat will do that!

My story, and there were 3 of us "men" giving these baths, is short.

The first 2 cats were only hard to do but the third one was another story. "Murphy" was another kind of experience. He ended up drawing blood on all three of us and after the 2nd time he got out of the tub we asked ourselves "are we men or not"? This stupid little cat isn't going to beat us! Wrong again, that SOB tore the crap out of us. Only then did we realize that we were the smart ones and finally let that devil be.

Have never again or will I ever give another cat a bath although the toilet idea sounds good!

Calvin

[jock1]

Did I forget to mention that I had a cat whose self defense mechanism to combat fear was pooping? If you grabbed her too quickly....glop. If you tried to pick her up.....glop. I've smelled some aweful things in my life, but those were right up there.

I used to work with a Texan who used the expression "Meaner than cat sh**" I am sure you can relate