UPS Pilot Flight Concerns...

[665ae]

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problem, document their repairs on the form, and then the pilots review the "gripe sheets" before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (P) and the solutions recorded (M) by the maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident....


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
M: Almost replaced left inside tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
M: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a200 feet per minute descent.
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak in right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
M: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed.

and the best for last...

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget.

[Roadie]

Seen that a few times but it still makes me laugh!

[jock1]

LOL Thats a cracker I've never seen that before 

[BIG-TARGET]

LOL

[NutSAK]

ROTFL   Great stuff!!

[Mike, Lord of the Spammers!]

Never saw that one before, great stuff mate

[hawkchucker]

Love it !!!!!!!!!!

[WhichDawg]

that is very funny! rofl

we should make up some for Multitools;

P. Gerber rattles when I shake it.
a. never go dancing with a Gerber

P. Leatherman is too tight.
a. get a Swisstool

P. Taylor/Schrade keeps falling apart.
a. see Def postings

P. Leatherman spots and rusts in water
a. get a Swisstool

P.
a.

P.
a.

[ducktapehero]

P. Gerber rattles when I shake it.
a. never go dancing with a Gerber

P. Leatherman is too tight.
a. get a Swisstool

P. Taylor/Schrade falls keeps falling apart.
a. see Def postings

P. Leatherman spots and rusts in water
a. get a Swisstool

P. My "wee willy" is too small
a. Get a SURGE!!!!  Sorry I couldn't resist.

P.
a.

[WhichDawg]

no that's good! lol anything funny is good!
everybody add something!

[ufox9al]

P. My multitool got confiscated by airport security
A. eBay search  created

[WhichDawg]

lol ufox9al!

[Stormdrane]

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident....

Funny stuff.   

And UPS must overlook 'minor accidents' like driving a jumbo jet off the end of the runway and getting stuck in the mud, as I witnessed when I was driving out onto the tarmack one time at Atlanta Hartsfield(when I was a courier back in the mid 90's ). 

[jzmtl]

http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/squawk.asp 

[ducktapehero]

This is great



The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."

Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate."

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."

[ducktapehero]

A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

[Mike, Lord of the Spammers!]

Keep em coming DTH

[Dunc]

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[NutSAK]

Good stuff.  I would like to point out that the F-14, F-16 and F-117A are not produced my McDonnell Douglas, however. 

[Mike, Lord of the Spammers!]

Good one Dunc

[ringzero]

Good stuff.  I would like to point out that the F-14, F-16 and F-117A are not produced my McDonnell Douglas, however. 

That's true.

However, stricly speaking these days McDonnell doesn't produce much of anything, since it was absorbed by Boeing several years back.

.