Am I in the wrong here?

[ironraven]

So, I'm suddenly in the need of new quarters. (Burlington VT area, if anyone has something)

Some background:

For the past three years, my roommate and best friend has been being abused by his boss. She's made him the whipping boy for the shop. I told him after six months to go to the union. Local steward is utterly worthless, does nothing and gives up. I've been telling him ever since then that he needs to go over, around, or if need be through the local rep and the local management. I should point out he works for a federal agency. It has no reached a point where it is pretty much a given that he'll be transfered in the next month or two.

He doesn't understand why I'm mad at him for not fighting. This is a guy who talks a lot about standing up for his rights and how he's so agressive, and he hasn't fought back once. I point blank said to him on at least two occasions "if you aren't going to fight for yourself, fight for me, becuase neither one of us can afford to live here on our own". And now he's thinking I"m an smurfhole because I told him that an apology for bringing this into my life would be nice. I'm not asking for an apology for not taking my advise, for not living up to his self image, or for any of a number of other things.

Am I wrong for thinking that that would be the civilized thing to do?

[captain spaulding]

Honestly it comes down to this, its his life and decision and he can do or not do whatever he likes even if it reflects poorly on you. I understand his actions might have a affect on your life as you two are roommates which binds you in a financial way, but that's the road you go down when you choose to live with someone. I truly understand you disappointment in him not "living up to his image" and it shows that some people talk the talk and others walk the walk. It seems as he is screwing you a bit, but again when you decide to live with a roommate it's the nature of the beast. I hope all ends well for you and you get everything worked out. 

[Aloha]

The almighty dollar is mighty.  He may not want to buck the system and get himself fired or whatever.  I know many who do exactly the same and sadly they aren't very happy.  Like Capt said its his life so best you can do is give your best advice and step away.   

[kirk13]

Oh man,I'm sympathetic to this! No,you weren't wrong at all,but as the guys have said,it's your friends indaba. I've big issues with my flatmates current relationship,have said my peace on the subject,and elected to leave it there,and bear in mind this 'person' was alleging sexual misconduct on my part!

We can only offer advice and help. We can force people to take it!

[WhichDawg]

Honestly it comes down to this, its his life and decision and he can do or not do whatever he likes even if it reflects poorly on you. I understand his actions might have a affect on your life as you two are roommates which binds you in a financial way, but that's the road you go down when you choose to live with someone. I truly understand you disappointment in him not "living up to his image" and it shows that some people talk the talk and others walk the walk. It seems as he is screwing you a bit, but again when you decide to live with a roommate it's the nature of the beast. I hope all ends well for you and you get everything worked out. Good Luck

I agree with Cap'n 100% (I thought he was just a cool hockey guy who knew he had wisdom and a big ole brain! )

you can lead a horse to water, you can even ride the horse to water but you can't make em drink, best to move out and find better friends and roomates

[captain spaulding]

Honestly it comes down to this, its his life and decision and he can do or not do whatever he likes even if it reflects poorly on you. I understand his actions might have a affect on your life as you two are roommates which binds you in a financial way, but that's the road you go down when you choose to live with someone. I truly understand you disappointment in him not "living up to his image" and it shows that some people talk the talk and others walk the walk. It seems as he is screwing you a bit, but again when you decide to live with a roommate it's the nature of the beast. I hope all ends well for you and you get everything worked out. Good Luck

I agree with Cap'n 100% (I thought he was just a cool hockey guy who knew he had wisdom and a big ole brain! )

you can lead a horse to water, you can even ride the horse to water but you can't make em drink, best to move out and find better friends and roomates

I have my moments. 

[ironraven]

I think people misunderstood what I was asking.

He's acting like I'm a bad guy becuase I said to him that an apology for pulling me into his mess would be nice. I'm not asking him to quit, or for money. I'm just asking for an apology for screwing up my life pretty solidly for a while, probably a long while. I don't think that's too much.

[captain spaulding]

What I am saying is everyone has decisions to make and he has made his without your interest in mind. Like I said before you choosing to sign a contract/lease agreement with him to live together means you are both legally bound into that contract and if one person does not make good the other is held liable. Just because you offer advice you think is the best option does not make you right even if you are and what might be the right decision in your mind for your best interest may not be the right decision for his best interest. He is looking out for his own interest not yours. If he fights against his boss and gets fired then hes screwed as well as you. He is just going to transfer and look out for himself which I honestly can't blame him for doing. Is he screwing you..... YES. Did you sign up for this possibly happening when you decided to live with him.....YES.

It's one thing for people to say they are this person or that person, but when the person you have to confront signs your paychecks which is the lifeblood of everything then the decision has major consequences. Its also tough to say if he should say anything or not as I have no idea if his boss is just a hard ass or legally breaking any laws with how he is treated at work. 

I can't say (with the info given) if he is really screwing you or not. Is your lease agreement up at the same time as his transfer? Is he skipping out and leaving you with the rent for (X) amount of months. Whats the details?

Would you screw yourself/career over in order to keep your word and make your roommate/best friend happy? It truly is a tough question to ask, but again, in life one must look out for there own best interest.

I know this is not the answer you wanted and you probably feel like i'm picking on you which I hope you know I am not. I also think your probably getting the short end of the stick on this one and you buddy is being a real dick, but it sounds like that's the decision he made and is sticking you with the bill.

In my honest opinion the simple question of if he owes you an apology or not does not have such a simple answer.

I truly hope you figure out how to make everything work. I'm not picking on you I swear. 

[DazMechanical]

I can see your upset with your friend, but if you look at it from his point of view I think you will see that he's doing the only logical thing he can do, keep his job. He has to look out for himself first, then everybody else. If he tells his boss how he really feels, chances are he won't have a job anymore. If he doesn't have a job he doesn't eat or have a place to sleep. And you would still have no room mate, and stuck with the bills. In the end he may owe you an apology but you could be the bigger man and support your friend and keep the friendship alive.


Would you give up your job to please a friend? I know I wouldn't...


Just something to think about...

[nate j]

I suppose I can see this from several different angles.

On one hand, if an agreement or commitment (formal or informal) was previously made (for example, that he would pay half the rent through the end of the lease) on which he is now planning to renege, then I think he owes you an apology at the very least.

On the other hand, however, if no such agreement or commitment existed (or one exists but he still plans to honor it), I don't necessarily think he owes you an apology for the fact that your living arrangement won't be continuing indefinitely.  If this is the case, it might help put things in perspective to consider that people change jobs with some regularity (the median employee in the US has been with his/her current employer for less than five years) for a variety of reasons, and some of these job changes mean they will have to relocate.  If, instead of fleeing a bad boss, your friend accepted a promotion which required him to move to a different city, or discontinued your roommate arrangement in favor of moving in with his GF/SO/fiancee/new wife, would you still feel as you do?

In any event, I'm sorry to hear of your troubles, and hope that (1) you are able to quickly find a suitable new abode, and (2) you both are ultimately able to put this issue behind you rather than letting it poison your friendship.

[Philby]

From what you say, your friend has a distinct lack of courage, therefore I think that an apology from such a person is unlikely.  He seems like a coward stuck between two distinct types of cowardice; too afraid to stand up to his bullying boss, and too afraid to admit that he's too afraid.  He is therefore like the majority of us! What he needs is support in whatever he decides to confront or not. ' I'm sorry for being a coward ' who is brave enough to say this? 

[Taxi Dad]

From what you say, your friend has a distinct lack of courage, therefore I think that an apology from such a person is unlikely.  He seems like a coward stuck between two distinct types of cowardice; too afraid to stand up to his bullying boss, and too afraid to admit that he's too afraid.  He is therefore like the majority of us! What he needs is support in whatever he decides to confront or not. ' I'm sorry for being a coward ' who is brave enough to say this?

I've always been a bit of a coward, I talk a better fight than most, but I'd rather walk away. some of my 'wittiest comebacks' take a good hour or so to surface, so I avoid confrontation most of the time.
it's the thing I hate most about myself