Anyone who has done a couple of do-it-yourself projects should find these funny....
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that
it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across
the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained
heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses
from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
"YEOWW..."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets
in their holes until you die of old age.
DREMEL TOOL/DIE GRINDER: A high-RPM time-saving power tool
available with a variety of stones and bits. These allow
one to completely ruin any part on which it is used much
more quickly than with a file.
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too
short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in
the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to
convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on this
principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to
influence its course, the more dismal it becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely
round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they
can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the
palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong
the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your
hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy
for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the
bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British
cars and motorcycles. They are now used mainly for
impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 inch socket you've been
searching for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to
launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to
the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes,
trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2 x 4: Used for levering an
automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters from using
the EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2 x 4.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder
than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt
holes thereby ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily
used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing
another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum
tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver
tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of
vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise
found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the
same rate that 105 mm howitzer shells might be used
during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the
Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum
seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin
oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw
heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.
Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-
removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it
into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago
Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were
last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and
instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly
snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the costly metal
surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in
order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the
most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying
to hit. Some home workmen primarily use it to make gaping
holes in walls when hanging pictures. Still others use it
to remove nails from the end of the fingers or thumb,
resulting in odd discolorations.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front
door; works particularly well on contents such as seats,
vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing new work clothes.
Oil drain pan: filled with 4-6 quarts of dirty oil and
placed anywhere the shop floor will catch all tools and
small parts dropped within 40ft of the pan. Especially
useful to catch sockets when placed under your project.
Also works as a shoe waterproofing applicator when placed
in the path to the wife's car..........
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