May I Assist you with that? ... 7 MTO Anniversary Giveaway

[Ashley]

I always liked this one It's a bit long but worth it.

To celebrate their 7th anniversary, a man and his wife spend the weekend at an exclusive golf resort. He is a pretty good golfer, but she only just started. When they head down to the golf course after a lavish lunch and a bottle of champagne, they notice a beautiful mansion a couple of hundred yards behind the first hole.

"Let's be extra careful, honey," the husband says, "If we damage that house over there, it'll cost us a fortune."

The wife nods, tees off and - bang! - sends the ball right through the window of the mansion.

"Jesus Christ," the husband says. "I told you to watch out for that house. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see what the damage is."

They walk up to the house and knock on the door.

"Come on in," a voice in the house says.

The couple open the door and enter the foyer. The living room is a mess. There are pieces of glass all over the floor and a broken bottle near the window. A man sits on the couch.

When the couple enter the room, he gets up and says, "Are you the guys who just broke my window?"

"Um, yeah," the husband replies, "sorry about that."

"Not at all, it's me who has to thank you. I'm a genie and was trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. You've just released me. To show my gratitude, I'm allowed to grant each of you a wish. But - I'll require one favor in return."

"Really? That's great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem - that's the least I can do. And you, what do you want?" the genie asks, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," the wife says.

The genie smiles. "Consider it done."

"And what's this favor we must grant in return, genie?" the husband asks.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that stupid bottle for the last thousand years, I haven't had sex with a woman for a very long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband scratches his head, looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all these houses, honey. So I guess I'm fine if it's alright with you."

The genie and the wife disappear in a room upstairs and make love for an hour, while the husband stays in the living room.

When they are done, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife and asks, "How old exactly is your husband?"

"31," she replies.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

So facebooking this

[jzmtl]

Real story.

When I lived in a small city in mid US I briefly had an Indian roommate (as in India Indian, not native), one day the neighbor's little boy asked me why is the man's skin that color, and I asked him what does he think. He thought about it for a while and replied, is it because he eats a lot of chocolate?

[tosh]

Pharmacist  returns having left his young assistant on his first day holding the fort and passes a guy sweating profusely clutching his stomach and breathing deeply. "What's up with him" the pharmacist asks the young lad, "Oh' he came in complaining about a bad cough"
"What did you give him"
"3 Extra strong laxatives"
"You don't treat a cough with laxatives, you fool" says the pharmacist
"Maybe not" says the young assistant - "But he won't dare cough now!!"

[RamoN]

THANKS A LOT for all these chances to win wonderful tools! now i would really like to win at least one you know    Nevermind is fun to enter and read the comments anyway

Ok here goes my contribution to see if we can pull a laugh out of the mods, i had to make a small edit on how i heard the joke the first time to keep it forum friendly:


After about his seventh or eighth drink, a biker looks up from his glass on the bar and sees a horse standing next to him. This would have struck him as odd, save for the fact that he was too drunk to notice anything out of the ordinary. "Hey," he said to the bartender, "There's a horse standing next to me."

"I know," replied the bartender, wiping a glass. "That horse comes in here all the time--and you know, once, just once, I'd like to see him show some kind of expression. He must be part Vulcan or something."

The biker looked at the horse's face. A better poker player could not exist on this Earth. "Uh huh."

"Tell ya what," the bartender suggested; "I'll give you a free round of drinks if you can make him laugh."

The biker thought for a second or two, then said, "Sure." He took the horse by the reins and led him into the men's bathroom. A moment later, he and the horse came out again, and the horse was laughing uproariously. Stunned, the bartender poured the biker's free round of drinks without taking his eyes off the animal.

"That was AMAZING!" he told the biker as he finished off his last drink. "I'll give you another free round of drinks if you can make him cry!"

Smiling, the biker said, "All right," and once again led the horse into the men's room. When they came out a minute later, the horse was wallowing in tears. Shaking his head and rubbing his disbelieving eyes, the bartender poured the biker his second round of drinks.

"You've gotta tell me," he said as the biker finished his first new glass, "HOW on EARTH did you get that horse to laugh and cry?"

"Well," said the biker, clearing his throat with pride: - First I told him that my "thing" was longer than his, and then I proved it.

[zoidberg]

Thanks SOG and enki.

There was this man who had a dog. Every Sunday morning at 4:30 AM the man and the dog would go fishing. One day, the man fell in love and got married. After the wedding, when the man and the woman got in bed together, the man turned to the woman.
''Tomorrow is Sunday and every Sunday morning, me and my dog go fishing at 4:30 AM. We'd like you to come along.''
''And what if I don't want to come along?'' the woman asked impatiently.
''Well then, sweetie, we'll just have to have buttsex.'' With that, the man rolled over and fell asleep, and left the woman pondering.
''God, I hate having the buttsex, but I also hate getting up so early. I'll have to think about this more." In the morning, the woman could hear the man going downstairs to get the dog. It was much too early for the woman to get up so she decided to wait for the inevitable buttsex. She waited for about half an hour and fell back asleep, thinking her husband had left already. She awoke to the man, pulling on her arm.
''Have you made your decision?'' he asked
''Yes,'' she replied. ''I do not want to go fishing.'' True to his word, the man pulled down his pants.
"By the way, what took you so long to come upstairs? It usually doesn't take that long to get Sparky up.''
''I know,'' the man said. ''He didn't want to go either.''

[Nhoj]

Thanks SOG and enki.

There was this man who had a dog. Every Sunday morning at 4:30 AM the man and the dog would go fishing. One day, the man fell in love and got married. After the wedding, when the man and the woman got in bed together, the man turned to the woman.
''Tomorrow is Sunday and every Sunday morning, me and my dog go fishing at 4:30 AM. We'd like you to come along.''
''And what if I don't want to come along?'' the woman asked impatiently.
''Well then, sweetie, we'll just have to have buttsex.'' With that, the man rolled over and fell asleep, and left the woman pondering.
''God, I hate having the buttsex, but I also hate getting up so early. I'll have to think about this more." In the morning, the woman could hear the man going downstairs to get the dog. It was much too early for the woman to get up so she decided to wait for the inevitable buttsex. She waited for about half an hour and fell back asleep, thinking her husband had left already. She awoke to the man, pulling on her arm.
''Have you made your decision?'' he asked
''Yes,'' she replied. ''I do not want to go fishing.'' True to his word, the man pulled down his pants.
"By the way, what took you so long to come upstairs? It usually doesn't take that long to get Sparky up.''
''I know,'' the man said. ''He didn't want to go either.''

For a second I sat there like then suddenly a big smile came across my face.

[stressmaster5000]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[HankSolon]

I try to translate this joke from German to english (so sorry, I'm no native speaker):

Comes a man into a bar with a little monkey on his shoulder. As soon as he sits down, the monkey jumps on the desk, graps a peanut and eats it. The bar keeper notices it but says nothing.

Then the little monkey looks around and spots a billiard table. The monkey jumps on that table, graps a billiard ball and swallows it hole. The bar keeper amazed: "Look! Have you seen it? The monkey just grapped a billiard ball and swallowed it!" The man just calm: "Well, don't worry. He does it all the time. Spotting things and eating them. I'll pay you that ball."

One week later, the man goes into the same bar, with the little monkey on his shoulder again. Again the monkey jumps on the desk, spotting a jar of olives. He runs to to jar, takes out one olive, pokes the olive with his fingers in his ass, pulling it out and eating it.
The bar keeper: "Oh that was discusting. Have you seen that?"
The man: "Oh yes. That little smurf is still eating everything he can find. But after the incident with the billiard ball. He takes measurements in advance."

[kirk13]

Quote by Steve Tyler of Aerosmith:

The Ark was built by amateurs,Titanic was built by professionals

[enki_ck]

When I saw the preview of the last post in tapatalk, I thought Steven Tyler joined MTO.

[pfrsantos]

Nice thread! Got me  a few times already!

Ok, my turn:

A guy comes to a little town in Alaska. He goes to the local bar and asks for a beer. The bartender looks at him and says:
"First time in Alaska, huh?"
"Yeah, just arrived."
"Well, we have a tradition around here. Newcomers need to do 3 things before they're accepted in our community. First, you must drink a whole bottle of Alaskan Whisky. Second, you must pull out a tooth from a polar bear. Third, you need to make love to Eskimo Sally."
The guy takes a little time to think. He'll be in town for some time, he does want the locals to welcome him, so he says:
"Ok, I'll do it. Bring on the whisky."
The bartender smiles and takes out a 80º whisky bottle. The man starts to drink. It takes a while but he finally finishes the bottle.
"Ok, I am reedy fur zat bear. Whe'e the bear at? Gimme tha bear..."
Laughing, the bartender and some other folks take him outside and point him towards the forest outside of town. He stambles away and disappears inside the forest.
After some 3 hours, he walks back into the bar, cut, bruised, bleeding. He drags himself up to the counter and looks at the bartender:
"Done it! So, where's Eskimo Sally so I can pull out her tooth?..."

[21productionz]

So I was changing the fuel filter on my van yesterday and I had a bowl to catch the little bit of gas that leaked out.

I got a phone call and when I turned around my cat was drinking from the bowl.

Next thing I know he's running circles around the van at mach 3. Then he just fell over. Crazy cat.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I317 using Tapatalk 4 Beta

[ducttapetech]

Ran out of gas I take it?

sent from Ducttapetech's mobile device

[pfrsantos]

I think nuphoria already knew about this contest. Just check out the tagline...

 

[21productionz]

Ran out of gas I take it?

sent from Ducttapetech's mobile device

Couldn't play along huh? *tear*

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I317 using Tapatalk 4 Beta

[enki_ck]

List Randomizer

I collected all the entries with the jokes, made a list and randomised it. Now to draw the winner. 

There were 39 items in your list. Here they are in random order:

1.   Top-Gear-24
2.   edcgear
3.   PTRSAK
4.   rdub934
5.   nuphoria
6.   21productionz
7.   Syph007
8.   50ft-trad
9.   jzmtl
10.   Etherealicer
11.   Bruce909
12.   stressmaster5000
13.   Ashley
14.   Lynn LeFey
15.   Mimifred
16.   Breezy12
17.   derekmac
18.   JAfromMn
19.   kkokkolis
20.   bmot
21.   xt60043f
22.   k12cop
23.   Nhoj
24.   Vladimir
25.   MadPlumbarian
26.   Aloha007
27.   detron
28.   HankSolon
29.   Rs217
30.   RamoN
31.   Yadda
32.   tosh
33.   zoidberg
34.   Bensasupertool
35.   styx
36.   pfrsantos
37.   captain spaulding
38.   Xelkos
39.   TN42

Timestamp: 2013-07-29 18:55:14 UTC

[enki_ck]

And the winner is ....















10.   Etherealicer


Congrats.



Enjoy your new toy and tell us your impressions of it once you get it and have played with it a bit.

[Nhoj]

Congratulations! That's probably one of the coolest SOGs in my opinion.

[Aloha]

Thanks for the giveaway and a big congrats to Ether

[Breezy12]

congrats Etherealicer! 

this was a really fun giveaway with plenty of 

great idea, enki! 

[Lynn LeFey]

Congratulations Etherealslice!

And another big thanks to SOG, for the awesome Powerassist give-away!

And to Enki, for trying to keep the cats herded.

[ducttapetech]

Ran out of gas I take it?

sent from Ducttapetech's mobile device

Couldn't play along huh? *tear*

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I317 using Tapatalk 4 Beta

Opps, didnt mean to ruin it.

[ducttapetech]

CONGRATS!!!!!

[21productionz]

Ran out of gas I take it?

sent from Ducttapetech's mobile device

Couldn't play along huh? *tear*

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I317 using Tapatalk 4 Beta

Opps, didnt mean to ruin it.

All good.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I317 using Tapatalk 4 Beta

[Etherealicer]

Oh wow 

I would like to thank the academy, my parents... wait wrong speech...

Thanks SOG, thanks enki_ck thats awesome. Got a new fencing feather today  and now this, it's like christmas, easter and birthday all in one  .

[enki_ck]

[rdub934]

Congrats Etherealicer!

Thanks again to MTO, SOG, and enki_ck for the chance to play!

[Etherealicer]

 
Portrait of me with my new MT:
 

So the PowerAssist arrived today. Thanks again enki_ck and SOG.
Already I can tell that I'm gonna like those pliers, but before I say more, I will have to take them out and do a test-drive.

[enki_ck]

That arrived fast. Looking forward to your thoughts on it.

Also liking the new avatar. SwissE

[Etherealicer]

First impressions.

I can't say much about most of the tools yet except the obvious. The two blades open smoothly, the inner tools are not as easily accessible as with other MTs but then the focus of this tool is the pliers. I did try the V-cutter though and it did cut paper as well as thick cardboard excellently.

I tried the wirecutters on what I believed to be a brass nail (about 2 mm). It was a though b*****d which led me to believe it might not have been brass after all. I could barely clip it with my Knipex pincers and failed to clip it with the LM Charge. The PowerAssist truly worked and it was by far the easiest. Also I noticed that the "cut" was far flatter than with the pincers (PA has more a scissor like wirecutter). I can say that I'm awed how effective that compound Leverage is. I have to mention though that both, the Charge and the PowerAssist showed some wear on the wire cutter.

Did I mention that the Compund Leverage Rocks?