Ask her to marry me...

[firefightingjosh]

So I have decided that after 9+months of dating a wonderful lady that I am going to ask her to marry me. I am 24  and she is 22, both work, both firefighter/emts. We both have goals for our future. So can I have some advice/words? We do plan on waiting about a year to officially marry after asking her.

p.s She is totally outdoorsy just like me, so hunting, fishing, and multi tools!!! are just fine with her=)

Thanks
Josh

[captain spaulding]

My condolences....... I mean congratulations! 

[comis]

Have you guys been living together for the past 9+ months?  I do recommend to move in and live together for a while, before considering the proposal if you are not in a hurry.  I always feel a good marriage needs patience and acceptance, and there is no better trial than living together.

[gregozedobe]

Have you guys been living together for the past 9+ months?  I do recommend to move in and live together for a while, before considering the proposal if you are not in a hurry.  I always feel a good marriage needs patience and acceptance, and there is no better trial than living together.

+1 

You don't really know someone until you live with them on a long term basis.

[firefightingjosh]

Have you guys been living together for the past 9+ months?  I do recommend to move in and live together for a while, before considering the proposal if you are not in a hurry.  I always feel a good marriage needs patience and acceptance, and there is no better trial than living together.

Somewhat, we have been staying together a few nights a week. We have thought about moving in together, but our pastor will not marry us if we are living together.. She really wants to stick by that, which is fine. I still do her yard work and the other "guy stuff" for her... Side note... I actually broke my replaceable wire cutters on my modded wave today fixing her fence...
I know we are both young and both do not have alot of money, but we have life goals, have the go get it attitude and have supportive famillys.  My goal is to be able to support her, especially because she is a type 1 diabetic and I am afraid working as hard as she is now will kill her. Plus I suppose I personally feel like the guy should be the bread winner and should support the girl.



Josh

[kirk13]

Josh,congratulations on having someone so special in your life!

Without wanting to be a bitter man(to late already there?) I'll echo what Greg and comis have said...you don't know what someone is like until you live with them. Finding out after you been married for a year is not on! As to your pastor,with due respect, he's not part of your relationship. My wife(rot her) had much the same view,an d believe me,I've paid a horrible price for it. I may be bitter and cynical(ok so there's no maybe ) but in this day and age,there's no need for a Victorian approach to things.

For all that,I wish you the very best

[lowtech]

I´ll have my first wedding day tomorrow. 
Acongratulations for finding someone you want toshare your life with!
I agree with the others around that it is important to find out if you can (literally) live together before you do marry - If you don´t get along in one house/flat the romantic love relationship can shatter easily.
I am in no way saying you should not marry or that she is not the one for you, but both of you should know how your significant other is like in a day-to day setting.

I wish you and your Girlfriend all the best and a happy future!

[greenbear]

Congratulations! 

[gregozedobe]

My goal is to be able to support her, ........ Plus I suppose I personally feel like the guy should be the bread winner and should support the girl.

Some modern, independent women might have different ideas about that concept ...............

My "missus" initially wanted to get married but wasn't able to explain any rational reasons to me why (NB we didn't have any children) - after several years of living together she decided getting married was no longer important, and that it was probably a left-over from her early (religious) upbringing, so we didn't bother.  We are still happily together after 35 years, so we must be doing something right.

Do what suits you both, not what a pastor says you "should". He's not the one in the relationship, you and your girl fiend are. 

Without meaning to be condescending, you are both fairly young and many people change a lot as they get older.  It seems that these days to a lot of people, getting married only means you stay together while it suits you, and if you change your mind then it is no big deal to divorce.

BTW - Congratulations on finding someone you love enough to want to share your life with 

[N_N_R]

Wow. Here's the opinion of a lady Well, what opinion can that be, anyway You must rrreallly know her and how she feels about that, first of all. So, if you've talked about marriage, fine. If you haven't yet... try "probing" around and see how she feels about it. I mean, I'm 26 and HELL NO, I DON"T WANT TO GET MARRIED  (yet) Lol.

Also, being together a few nights per week isn't that much and, if you again ask ME, 9 months is not much at all either. To really get to know a person you need at llllleast a year maybe and you'll be again surprised every now and then 

Anyway, maybe I'm just way too cautious and don't like marriage in general So, whatever you decide, congratulations on your wonderful relationship 

[Zed]

I can only echo whats been said,9months seems a long time but it takes years to really know someone, she sounds amazing and i hope the best for your future together  congratulations 

[Whoey]

Yesterday was the wife & I's 12th anniversary. We lived together for a couple years before we married. Also you don't need money to get married, we did it on a tight budget in a hurry at the registrars office in Chelsea. I guess it's different if you want to do it in a church, and have a heap load of guests... I find that all a bit for show theatrical, and don't see the need. We had gatherings with close friends and family after the fact.

[derekmac]

Somewhat, we have been staying together a few nights a week. We have thought about moving in together, but our pastor will not marry us if we are living together.. She really wants to stick by that, which is fine. I still do her yard work and the other "guy stuff" for her... Side note... I actually broke my replaceable wire cutters on my modded wave today fixing her fence...
I know we are both young and both do not have alot of money, but we have life goals, have the go get it attitude and have supportive famillys.  My goal is to be able to support her, especially because she is a type 1 diabetic and I am afraid working as hard as she is now will kill her. Plus I suppose I personally feel like the guy should be the bread winner and should support the girl.



Josh

Say what???    This is not meant to sound like I'm being an ass, but does he know it's not the 60's anymore??

This is both of your lives being affected here, not his.  You need to do what is best for you guys in the long run.  It sounds like your heard are in the same place, and you have the same goals, which is fantastic to hear.

I've been with my wife for 15 years, married 8 this coming September.  There is no reason to rush anything.  9 months is not a long time at all.  Take your time, get to know each other inside and out.  Let your relationship grow for awhile longer, then pop the question.

Also, I'm type 1 diabetic, have been for 20 years, and there's nothing I can't do.  Hard work will have zero negative impact on her health.  Actually, it will help keep her healthy.  Another thing to look into would be getting her an insulin pump (if she doesn't have one).  Very expensive, but worth its weight in gold.  I've had one for 7 years now, and it turned my life around.  I had great control before, but the pump makes you feel "normal".  I can eat what I want, and do what I want, whenever I want.  All it takes is a few button presses, and off I go.

I've been very lucky as I can get a new one every 5 years, and they are covered 100% through my medical plan.  If not covered, it's worth getting a loan if needed to get one.  I've talked a couple of diabetics I know into getting one, and they thank me everytime they see me.

Oh, my wife also makes more than I do, and I'm quite fine with that.

I wish you two the absolute best of luck with whatever you decide.   

[Chako]

Don't ask me for any advice. Apparently I am so nice I am immediately friend zoned for life. 

Congratulations. I hope she accepts.   

[Singh]

First off; congrats on your soon-to-be engagement.

Advice? Ages 24 and 22? I'd wait 5 more years before getting married. Who we are at 22-24 is far different than who we are at 27-30.   

But I know you two won't wait that long, so I'd strongly advise for at least a 1-2 year engagement.

Good luck! 

[dks]

If it feels right do it. You should know by now. If you are to be together it will be a shame to waste any more time.

People tend to overthink (ok, and sometimes in the case of celebrities underthink) these things nowdays.

[kkokkolis]

I have a positive view of marriage as a person (30 years with my second half next year) and a negative as a psychiatrist (but then, only unsuccessfull marriages come to me, strong bias).
I didn't live together with my wife before we married but we had an 8 year always on and strong relationship. Those 8 years might be enough to know her but I didn't realise she was going to change and that at 17-25 years old I was very immature to know the character of anyone, mine included. Finally I was lucky.
Listen to me. You will never understand how a woman thinks. They are complex and delicate machines, beyond our reach. They use inhibition more and are affected by community and peers even more. But it doesn't matter if you understand, as long as you make them feel that you do and act accordingly.
I don't believe that it is obligatory to live with someone to know him, mainly because it isn't enough. People change and kids change the couple even more. I do believe though that there are some indices, such us sexual harmony (and that means that sexual encounter before the marriage should be the case), talking with each other, distance from relatives (unless they are very mentally stable and mean good for the couple), material comfort, common purse, and psychological health (avoid hysterical, alexithymic, antisocial, unsatisfied, shallow, narcissistic, concrete thinking, selfish, nymphomaniac/womanizing, frigid etc spouse, I know, that narrows options VERY MUCH!).
That thing about the pastor is a religius one and I respect that but most clerics of any religion are based on views from the holly scriptures that range from 2600-1400 years ago, according to religion. And I met happy mixed religion marriages that were undesirable by their relatives and churches. I suspect this is more frequent in cosmopolitan countries like US (nearby the oceans at least). Some clerics know nothing about marriage since they never tested themselves.
More specifically, advice. Wait for a couple of years. Live things together. Talk. Talk. Talk again. Then talk some more. Don't forget to listen before and while you talk. Say bye-bye to I and start using we. You may keep a personal space (MULTITOOLS ) but it shouldn't annoy her. When talking isn't enough, touch. Touch more. And then some.
I hope the best for you two.

[Dragon Lord]

Congratulations,

I am almost 2 months married. I knew my girlfriend for 12 years and my advice is live together first. I realize that I didn't knew her habits and she didn't knew mine, we are so different in many ways and it is hard sometimes to agree in simple things. I also use to go some days with her and she with me, but is totally different living together. Don't misunderstand I love her and we are happy, but is the best advice I can give you. 

[Aloha]

Advice is like smurfholes right?   

Here is mine,  Living together first is overrated.  If you are already spending a "few nights" together then clearly what the pastor says is only lightly weighted. 

Yes you both are young and yes you both WILL change over the next few years so why the rush?  A 9 month relationship is in its infancy IMO.  Enjoy the dating and friendship of each others company.  Talk, talk, talk about everything and show her who you are and want to become ( it will change ) but what's important is communication.  She may not want everything you do, she may want a full blown career without kids.     

I'd wouldn't suggest to my kids living together nor getting married so early in a relationship.  I'm not bothered by the pastor's beliefs as much as by those who only follow what they will of it.

It's interesting what works for some is others downfall.  All the best in your decision.         

[sawman]

You're just kids... Give it some time, wait till you're 30 at least 

[Lynn LeFey]

First, congratulations on finding someone.

On words of advice.
First and foremost, don't EVER take advice from me. I don't know what I'm doing.
I have been married twice. A total relationship time of 7 years in the first case, and like... uhh... 13 or so... 14?... in the second. The first one ended due to very unusual circumstances.

In both cases, there was a VERY lengthy engagement.

On the notion of supporting her after marriage. I was a self-supporting person before marriage, and only because of the downturn in my career field am I no longer employed (and pretty much unemployable). If she stops working, you may face some issues of her feeling like a burden. It's a terrible feeling, and I've been there myself. Don't assume women want to be 'kept'. This is really going to be something only the two of you can figure out.

Don't assume that there's something wrong with the relationship if you guys need to sleep in different bedrooms. I thought it was weird and a bit sad when hubby and I had to start doing it, but he will roll in his sleep and throw elbows. He nearly broke my nose one night. And I have sleep apnea and snore like a freight train. But it turns out this is more common than I thought.

And this one is going to sound horrible, but if for some reason the relationship is NOT working out, and no resolution can be found, end it amicably before you turn into an a-hole. If you find yourself being a spiteful person toward another human being, and this even the passive aggressive kind... it's probably time to walk away, like an adult, before you do things you'll regret later. Not saying it'll ever come to that, but just something to consider as a sort of worst case scenario.

I would also say what lots of others have, which is live together first. It's not when you WANT to be together that matters. It's how you handle the 'me space' and 'I want to hang with the guys' stuff. You have to not just know how to be together, but how to be apart, and be cool with it.

And let me just reiterate what I opened with:
Don't EVER take advice from me. I don't know what I'm doing.

[Essexman]

There is some good advice here.

But try not to read too much, really, if you guys are happy go for it!

Marriage is not easy, things change, people change, actually it's bloody hard work some times. But you know that don't you, that's why you asked for advice here?

To sum up - ignore everyone, do what you feel is best.

[Monrogue]

First, congratulations on the potential marriage   As for advice, I'm no expert, but I can offer my thoughts nonetheless as others have done. 

As Aloha stated, living together first isn't as necessary as many think, but I do understand why people are in favor of doing so.  I too felt that way in the past.  The thing is though, if a couple spends a lot of time together, as in spending days together, maybe nights at times, and you're doing a lot together, even if that's just sitting around not doing much of anything, you're going to see a lot of the reality to each other that would likely show up if you did live together.  You're going to deal with disagreements in the small things, like the TV for one (big one in my marriage), and having your personal time to do your own thing (very important to me).  This will show up more over more time if you wait. 

Just to give you my experience a little...my wife (girlfriend at the time) did indeed move in with me, after only a few months being together.  It should be mentioned that I already had intentions of proposing, and did so about a month later.  So I can't say much about waiting, but sometimes you just know   Anyway, some of her family did not take well to her moving in with me, and that caused some issues for us.  Family can be a big deciding factor, as they can make things difficult for you both if they don't approve of certain things.  She was very hurt by some of this, and it put a strain on our relationship.  I was not happy with them, but she understood their reasoning, despite how she felt.  This also put a bit of a wedge between some of my family and some of hers, that still somewhat continues to this day. 

Ok, enough of that rambling.  I feel that, more than likely, through the considerable time you may spend together, you're going to be able to tell if this person is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.  I think this can be found without living together, but everyone is different.  And that's what a marriage should be, and is intended to be-a life long committment.  Nowadays, divorce is used as such an easy way out at the drop of a hat, and that's ridiculous.  Obviously there are justifiable reasons for it, but too many people divorce over small stuff that could likely be worked out with communication and willingness to make it work. 

Overall, if you can see that she is the one for you, and feel that you are committed to trying to make it all work, regardless of the situation, that's what matters.  If that's the case, good for you, and I hope she feels the same

[MadPlumbarian]

Awww, congrats man! I met my wife online and spoke with her for about six months before meeting her, then dated for about a year before asking the big question,, we had already lived with each other after three months after meeting, that didn't take long,, lol, I asked her very close to our one year dating anniversary and we married two months later needless to say were very quick! A LOT of people(pretty much everyone) said we would never make it passed one year, but in three months will be our 15yr wedding anniversary! JR

[styx]

good luck. you'll need it

[firefightingjosh]

Thank you for all the advice guys! Will be talking with her about living together. Big step in life lol.

Thanks again guys!!
Josh

[VictorLouis]

I got a lot of dirty laundry in this area. Been with my current g/f now 3yrs, including her staying with me for days at a time. We're well past the 'bunny-lust' stage. I know her. Her hot buttons, her likes, dislikes, personal habits, etc. Only now would I feel comfortable proposing to her. You two are YOUNG, and you ought to give it T I M E my friend.

[derekmac]

I don't think they are too young at all.  We were 24 when we tied the knot, 25 when we had our first kid.  I honestly believe starting a family in your 20's is the best way to go.  You're still at a good age when they grow and move out, and you have a better chance of seeing grand and great grand children.

[Pacu]

met wife feb of 2000...married in june of 2000...still married after 14 years.   We did a JOTP wedding...went to cozumel. 

congrats to joining the club 

[ironraven]

Plus I suppose I personally feel like the guy should be the bread winner and should support the girl.

What's her opinion of this?

I've got a lot of firefighters and emts in my extended tribe. Breaking their leg is about the only thing that keeps them from moving when the tone sounds.