What makes you laugh? comics-jokes-etc----keep it clean please

[pfrsantos]

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. She had a history of violins.

[pfrsantos]

I don’t play soccer football because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

[pfrsantos]

I was hoping to steal some leftovers from the party but my plans were foiled.

[pfrsantos]

Simba was walking so slowly I told him to Mufasa.

[pfrsantos]

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am.

[pfrsantos]

People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.

[pfrsantos]

I lost my mood ring the other day. I'm not sure how to feel about it.

[Syncop8r]

I quit my job at the Helium factory; I wasn't going to be talked to in that tone of voice.

[Syncop8r]

To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.

[Syncop8r]

Last week I handed my wife superglue instead of lip balm.
She's still not talking to me.

[Syncop8r]

It's no coincidence most archaeologists are women - they love digging up the past.

[Smashie]

[pfrsantos]

The doctor told his patient to stop using a cotton bud, but it just went in one ear and out the other.

[pfrsantos]

Some clown opened the door for me this morning. That was a nice jester.

[pfrsantos]

I don't trust staircases. They're always up to something.

[pfrsantos]

Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds!

[pfrsantos]

My math teacher called me average. How mean!

[pfrsantos]

The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought, "this changes everything".

[pfrsantos]

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually, it came back to me.

[pfrsantos]

I got fired from the candle factory because I refused to work wick ends!

[pfrsantos]

Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion. I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.

[pfrsantos]

I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I've got twelve fridges.

[pfrsantos]

I need to stop drinking so much milk. It's an udder disgrace.

[pfrsantos]

Chinese takeaway - £27.50. Petrol to get there - £3.25. Getting home then realising they didn't give you one of the containers - riceless.

[pfrsantos]

I've got a phobia of over-engineered buildings. It's a complex complex complex.

[pfrsantos]

I hate insects puns, they really bug me.

[pfrsantos]

I put a new freezer next to the refrigerator, now they're just chilling.

[pfrsantos]

Today, my son asked, "can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

[pfrsantos]

My new girlfriend works at the zoo. I think she's a keeper.

[pfrsantos]

My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I told him, "My door is always open".