Coghlan's Multi Function Army Knife: great knife, or greatest knife?

[Jothra]

Not enough people are talking about this paragon of multitool design: the
Coghlan's Multi Function Army Knife!


The scales, without obtrusive, self-centred branding (well, it used to say "Coghlan's,"but that only lasted a few days.

This tool is branded for Canadian brand Coghlan's, and made from the finest materials one can find. The scales are a modest plastic, unconcerned with petty trifled like durability and attractiveness. No hoity-toity supermaterials here! This is a knife made for real people more concerned with high functionality than excessive fit and finishand having the latest, greatest thing.


Pictured by a Victorinox Winter Magic Pioneer X for comparison. Look at that pathetic Swiss piece of junk! Victorinox makes such ugly garbage!

The blade is made from the highly sought-after "Stainless China," which is French for "Definitely Best Steel." It's low hardness and low edge retention make it easy to sharpen. Over and over and over. Sharpener enthusiasts will love its frequent sharpening requirements!


I think Victorinox stole this blade shape.

On to the opening layer:

Bottle and can opener!

The can opener can open cans. It can't open can'ts. The bottle opener makes an excellent prybar, if you're into that kind of thing, but what everyone really wants to know is, "can you type with it?" The answer is yes, but verrrrrrrrrry slowly.


Two fish scalers!

The tool comes with two fish scalers. Well, one of them is a saw, but functionally they both saw as well as you'd expect from fish scalers.


Snip snip snip!

The scissors dispense with such frivolities as edge retention and pivot strength in favour of excellent ergonomics. I did peen the rivet and sharpen the blades for preference, but I understand that I'm the problem here.


Look at all those backside tools!

If an underdog like Coghlan's can manage five (five!) backside tools, better known companies have no excuse. I mean, the corkscrew is strong enough to pull nails, and the Phillips screwdriver actually does its job, but the rest of those tools can...I guess maybe poke things? They're definitely all different, but they're basically all for poking things. Get on it, big guys!

And there you have it! This is the next big thing in EDC (or EDC Daily Carried, in the parlance). 13/10! Would buy three for each pocket.

Pros:

• Cheep!
• Unpretentious!
• Not technically the absolute worst!

Cons:

• Cheep!
• Barely hanging on by a thread.
• Literal garbage?

[Jothra]

Okay, just kidding. I had to re-peen the entire knife right out of the packaging. The scissors work much better since I hit them with a hammer, but they're not great. Most of the backside tools are 98% worthless, and 2% pokey. The main blade is fine for light food prep, but goes dull in milliseconds. The saw is — and I'm completely serious — no better than the fish scaler for sawing things.

On the other hand, the Phillips driver is fine. The corkscrew is, for real, strong enough to pull nails. The can opener can can open. The bottle opener actually is an excellent prybar (really! It's really good!)

No-one should buy it unless they're desperate, or if they want to put it through the wringer to prove some kind of dumb point.

Despite all of its many, many shortcomings, it is one of my only shelf queens.

And that, everyone, is my 1000th post.

[Jim the Brave]

Okay, just kidding. I had to re-peen the entire knife right out of the packaging. The scissors work much better since I hit them with a hammer, but they're not great. Most of the backside tools are 98% worthless, and 2% pokey. The main blade is fine for light food prep, but goes dull in milliseconds. The saw is — and I'm completely serious — no better than the fish scaler for sawing things.

On the other hand, the Phillips driver is fine. The corkscrew is, for real, strong enough to pull nails. The can opener can can open. The bottle opener actually is an excellent prybar (really! It's really good!)

No-one should buy it unless they're desperate, or if they want to put it through the wringer to prove some kind of dumb point.

Despite all of its many, many shortcomings, it is one of my only shelf queens.

And that, everyone, is my 1000th post.

Well done! I think there's a badge for this..... 

[ReamerPunch]

I've been waiting for a review of that one. Truly exceptional. A back-up fish scaler? Show me one major brand that does that.

That's it. I'm selling, no, throwing away all my other pocket tools, and will buy a Coghlan's Multi Function Army Knife!

[Jothra]

I've been waiting for a review of that one. Truly exceptional. A back-up fish scaler? Show me one major brand that does that.

That's it. I'm selling, no, throwing away all my other pocket tools, and will buy a Coghlan's Multi Function Army Knife!

It has been heavily real-world tested, and found at least 23% effective! Beat them odds!

[Jothra]

Well done! I think there's a badge for this..... 

It's Coghlan that deserves the badge. Hoo boy.

[magentus]

The Untersee Bundeswher U Boat flotilla Procurement Division has expressed an interest in a bulk purchase of this fine tool for their brave crews.
Safety is paramount to the Untersee Bundeswher, especially on a u boat, stationed far from base for years at a time. The Coghlan 'Safety Steel' knife blade complies with our safety standards and in tests it is perfect for slicing salty porridge rations with an impressive 59% success rate.

On board stabbings will be reduced thanks to the built in 'Crumple Zone' technology applied to the tip of the main blade.

The innovation in Fish Scaling Technology effectively doubles the rate at which our plucky submariners can process fish once the salt porridge rations are exhausted. Bravo!

93% of a submariners shift is made up of poking things so the inclusion of a series of poking tools on the backside of the Tool is the icing on the cake (or salt crust on the porridge as we say).

We'd like to place an order for 8, yes 8 of this fine item please, with delivery to our undisclosed location in the Atlantic sea.
Oh and please also bring more porridge. And salt.

[magentus]

Based upon your findings as a result of rigorous testing Jothra, the  Untersee Bundeswher U Boat flotilla Procurement Division has expressed an interest in a bulk purchase of this fine tool for their brave crews.

Safety is paramount to the Untersee Bundeswher, especially on a u boat, stationed far from base for years at a time. The Coghlan 'Safety Steel' knife blade complies with our safety standards and in tests it is perfect for slicing salty porridge rations with an impressive 59% success rate.

On board stabbings will be reduced thanks to the built in 'Crumple Zone' technology applied to the tip of the main blade.

The innovation in Fish Scaling Technology effectively doubles the rate at which our plucky submariners can process fish once the salt porridge rations are exhausted. Bravo!

93% of a submariners shift is made up of poking things so the inclusion of a series of poking tools on the backside of the Tool is the icing on the cake (or salt crust on the porridge as we say).

We'd like to place an order for 8, yes 8 of this fine item please, with delivery to our undisclosed location in the Atlantic sea.
Oh and please also bring more porridge. And salt.

[Jothra]

Based upon your findings as a result of rigorous testing Jothra, the  Untersee Bundeswher U Boat flotilla Procurement Division has expressed an interest in a bulk purchase of this fine tool for their brave crews.

Safety is paramount to the Untersee Bundeswher, especially on a u boat, stationed far from base for years at a time. The Coghlan 'Safety Steel' knife blade complies with our safety standards and in tests it is perfect for slicing salty porridge rations with an impressive 59% success rate.

On board stabbings will be reduced thanks to the built in 'Crumple Zone' technology applied to the tip of the main blade.

The innovation in Fish Scaling Technology effectively doubles the rate at which our plucky submariners can process fish once the salt porridge rations are exhausted. Bravo!

93% of a submariners shift is made up of poking things so the inclusion of a series of poking tools on the backside of the Tool is the icing on the cake (or salt crust on the porridge as we say).

We'd like to place an order for 8, yes 8 of this fine item please, with delivery to our undisclosed location in the Atlantic sea.
Oh and please also bring more porridge. And salt.

I am so ashamed that I didn't think of "crumple zones" first. Oh man, that was good.

Incidentally, eight of them at current market value is, like, $80 CAD.

[magentus]

Incidentally, eight of them at current market value is, like, $80 CAD.

Can we pay in depleted uranium?

[Jothra]

Can we pay in depleted uranium?

Ooh, sorry. We only take repleted uranium, or upcycled plutonium.

[magentus]

Ooh, sorry. We only take repleted uranium, or upcycled plutonium.

Ah, OK. How are you off for salt and porridge?

[Jothra]

Ah, OK. How are you off for salt and porridge?

The salt and porridge are off, all right.

[magentus]

I dislike having to resort to threats but would you be good enough to supply us with your map coordinates so we can train our Coghlan patented Untersee/Atmosphere One Man Explosive Helicopter Missile (with its impressive 62.4m range and 43% success rate) at you until you capitulate and supply us with our 8 Coghlan Unterseeboot Navalsafety Tools

You have 24 hours

[Jothra]

We would comply, but we determined our co-ordinates using the Coghlan's Four Function Whistle, so our readings are only accurate to the nearest approximate hemisphere.

[magentus]

We would comply, but we determined our co-ordinates using the Coghlan's Four Function Whistle, so our readings are only accurate to the nearest approximate hemisphere.

We're pretty sure you're in the top hemisphere so will run with that assumption

We'll take 8 of those Coghlan's Four Function Whistles as well please. They will greatly enhance our navigational capabilities.

Expect to receive the full 43% of our wrath sometime in the next 38 months give or take

Question: just out of interest, are you based within 62m of a major body of water, hopefully with handy deep water links to the Atlantic?

[Jothra]

We're pretty sure you're in the top hemisphere so will run with that assumption

We'll take 8 of those Coghlan's Four Function Whistles as well please. They will greatly enhance our navigational capabilities.

Expect to receive the full 43% of our wrath sometime in the next 38 months give or take

Question: just out of interest, are you based within 62m of a major body of water, hopefully with handy deep water links to the Atlantic?

The largest body of water within 62m is my toilet tank.

[magentus]

The largest body of water within 62m is my toilet tank.

OK. Hmmm, we're going to have to ask you to imagine you're under imminent threat in around 38 months give or take, and act accordingly. Thanks for your compliance

[magentus]

Um, do you have any Coghlan novelty promotional items you can provide to keep my crew's spirits up please?

[Jothra]

Um, do you have any Coghlan novelty promotional items you can provide to keep my crew's spirits up please?

Four-way camp stove toaster?

Air horn?

Actually, the toasters work really well. Maybe less so underwater.

[magentus]

Four-way camp stove toaster?

Air horn?

Actually, the toasters work really well. Maybe less so underwater.

Air horns might be good for if we run out of oxygen - I could even make a case for cataloging them as Rescue Equipment, Breathing Apparatus/Early Warning System

[magentus]

Also, as the Untersee Bundeswehr has to operate within water tight (unlike our boats) financial constraints, does Coghlan offer a budget version of the multitool?
Maybe one that dials back on the lavish and costly materials, supersteels and fine workmanship? We are willing to sacrifice one of the poking tools and the lads really don't need the premium materials used on the scales to be honest. Pearls before swine and all that.

Play your cards right Jothra and Coghlans could be the sole provider of equipment to the Untersee Bundeswehr. Unless we get within 62m of your base, or you go somewhere else sometime in the next 38 months give or take.

I await your response. You have 24 hours.

[Chako]

 

[Fireman]

Actually, the toasters work really well. Maybe less so underwater.

Is that a guess, or have you actually tested it?

  If you're not in advertising, you're wasting your talents. 

[Jothra]

Is that a guess, or have you actually tested it?

  If you're not in advertising, you're wasting your talents.

The camp stove toasters actually work very well. They are excellent for car camping. They are how Coghlan's got its start, and are probably enough to make up for the crummier bits of their catalogue.

[Fireman]

The camp stove toasters actually work very well. They are excellent for car camping. They are how Coghlan's got its start, and are probably enough to make up for the crummier bits of their catalogue.

I meant, have you actually tested the underwater part? 

[Jothra]

[...] does Coghlan offer a budget version of the multitool?
Maybe one that dials back on the lavish and costly materials, supersteels and fine workmanship? We are willing to sacrifice one of the poking tools and the lads really don't need the premium materials used on the scales to be honest. Pearls before swine and all that.

Surprisingly, yes. But independent testing confirms using it as a tool is only marginally safer than swallowing it whole.

[magentus]

Re swallowing it whole, do you have the nutritional values available please.  It looks delicious.

[Gareth]

Superb review Jothra.  I do have to ask though; does it take Glock mags?  Unless I can go high capacity then it's really not for me. 

 

[Jothra]

Re swallowing it whole, do you have the nutritional values available please.  It looks delicious.

Mostly iron.