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Jokes for my work group

ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #270 on: April 30, 2025, 12:07:27 PM
Good morning everyone

I bought myself a fancy new pen the other day.  It can write underwater, which I think is really cool.

If I get time later I will try writing other words with it as well!

Have a great day everyone!

Def
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ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #271 on: April 30, 2025, 01:07:41 PM
Okay everyone, I have been told that today's joke is one I have already told, and that I must be slipping.

So I am declaring it time for some new blood- this Friday I will give a ten dollar Tim's a gift card to whoever tells the best joke here!

It has to be work appropriate and the joke has to be posted here  in the group chat and before 9am on Friday.

The winner will be whichever joke makes my truck driving friend in Ontario laugh so hard that he puts his rig in the ditch.

Start googling jokes!

Def
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fi Online Antti Lammi

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #272 on: April 30, 2025, 01:11:49 PM
 The chefs in my local restaurant have been arguing about the correct temperature to heat the soup.

Tensions have finally reached a boiling point.


fi Online Antti Lammi

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #273 on: May 01, 2025, 10:51:17 AM
 My girlfriend was looking at buying a pear tree and said they can grow 18-20 feet…

I said I’d prefer if it grew pears


ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #274 on: May 01, 2025, 11:34:45 AM
It would indeed smell better if it did!

Def
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ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #275 on: May 01, 2025, 12:32:09 PM
Good morning everyone!

After such a nice day yesterday I think we can all agree that spring is finally here.  My friends who are into gardening are so excited they are wetting their plants.

Have a great day everyone!

Def
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fr Offline Frenchephaistos

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #276 on: May 01, 2025, 04:35:11 PM
Having children rejuvenates your wallet. You replace pictures of Jackson, Franklin and Abe with those of your kids (Jack, Frank and Abby).


us Offline Sos24

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #277 on: May 01, 2025, 05:15:26 PM
 
My girlfriend was looking at buying a pear tree and said they can grow 18-20 feet…

I said I’d prefer if it grew pears

 :facepalm:

On a serious mote there are dwarf fruit trees that don’t grow as tall.  One of my neighbors have 2 Asian Peach trees that are only about 10ft tall.  The fruit is still delicious and plentiful.


fr Offline Frenchephaistos

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #278 on: May 01, 2025, 09:20:26 PM
On a serious mote

…as Warren Buffett would call it.   :D


ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #279 on: May 02, 2025, 12:54:52 PM
Last night I ordered a rack of ribs for supper.  Despite having the whole rack, I only ate ribs 1, 2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 because I prefer prime rib. 

I know, I know, math jokes are usually terrible but sum are okay.

Def
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ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #280 on: May 05, 2025, 12:14:32 PM
Good morning everyone!

It's Monday and I have a history lesson for you!  Did you know, that at night cowboys would hang lanterns from the saddles on their horses so they would be able to see where they were going?

It was the first documented use of saddle light navigation.

Have a great day out there everyone!

Def
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us Offline Farmer X

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #281 on: May 05, 2025, 11:36:03 PM
 :rofl:
USN 2000-2006

Culling of the knife and multi herds in progress...

If I pay five figures for something, it better have wings or a foundation!


pt Offline pfrsantos

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #282 on: May 06, 2025, 01:33:15 AM
A friend of mine told me about an incredible psychic he used to consult. I decided to check it out for myself and asked him for the psychic's address. I got there, rung the bell and a voice asked: "Who is it?". So I left.

« Last Edit: May 06, 2025, 01:39:33 AM by pfrsantos »
________________________________
It is just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

I don't have OCD, I have OCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Eff the ineffable, scrut the inscrutable.

IYCRTYSWTMTFOT



pt Offline pfrsantos

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #283 on: May 06, 2025, 01:39:23 AM
A friend of mine is really obese. He was concerned about his health and decided to consult a dietitian. He got there, the doctor examined him and said:

"Well, there's a very simple diet we can try. From now on, at every meal, drink a pint of water."

"Before or after, doctor?"

"Instead of."
________________________________
It is just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

I don't have OCD, I have OCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Eff the ineffable, scrut the inscrutable.

IYCRTYSWTMTFOT



us Offline Farmer X

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #284 on: May 06, 2025, 02:03:29 AM
Good ones! :rofl:
USN 2000-2006

Culling of the knife and multi herds in progress...

If I pay five figures for something, it better have wings or a foundation!


ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #285 on: May 06, 2025, 12:18:58 PM
Good morning everyone!

Recently Megan laughed at me because I said I was going to make a car entirely out of spaghetti.  She said it was impossible but you should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

Have a great day everyone!

Def
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ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #286 on: May 07, 2025, 12:55:41 PM
Good morning everyone!

As you all know I have problems with my feet, and a few years ago someone recommended I get orthopedic inserts for my shoes.

I was skeptical at first and I figured they would be a waste of time and money but now I stand corrected!

Have a great day everyone!

Def
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ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #287 on: May 08, 2025, 12:13:16 PM
Good morning everyone!

In honor of all the training we are getting lately I want to share something valuable that I recently learned.

You know how, when you are watching sports, at the end of the game someone will often throw the ball into the crowd at the end to celebrate their victory?

Well it seems that people don't appreciate that very much when you are bowling.

Have a great day everyone!

Def
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pt Offline pfrsantos

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #288 on: May 08, 2025, 08:08:29 PM
I recently met someone who suffered from amnesia. I asked him for how long. He said "for as long as I can remember".

 ??? ???
________________________________
It is just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

I don't have OCD, I have OCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Eff the ineffable, scrut the inscrutable.

IYCRTYSWTMTFOT



pt Offline pfrsantos

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #289 on: May 08, 2025, 08:17:12 PM
________________________________
It is just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

I don't have OCD, I have OCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Eff the ineffable, scrut the inscrutable.

IYCRTYSWTMTFOT



us Offline Farmer X

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #290 on: May 09, 2025, 12:36:29 AM
 :rofl:
USN 2000-2006

Culling of the knife and multi herds in progress...

If I pay five figures for something, it better have wings or a foundation!


ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #291 on: May 12, 2025, 12:26:47 PM
I shouldn't post this one here as it may be seen as a political commentary.  But it's funny, and fairly benign so I am going to post it anyways.

If I get banned for it, it was great knowing you all!   :ahhh

Good morning everyone!

I'm too tired from the weekend to think of a joke so I'm stealing this one from Megan's father.

You know how Trump has renamed a bunch of things like the Gulf of Mexico, now known as the Gulf of America?  From now on the San Andreas Fault will be known as the Joe Biden's Fault.

Have a great day everyone!

Def
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ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #292 on: May 13, 2025, 12:58:25 PM
Good morning everyone!

Here's a science lesson for you today- the Earth surface is covered approximately by 70% water.

Given that the water is not carbonated, that means that the Earth is flat.

Have a great day everyone!

Def
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us Online LoopCutter

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #293 on: May 13, 2025, 01:39:09 PM
 :think: :facepalm:
If I start and end the day above ground, it is a good day!

Hope yours is as good!

A SMART man always knows what to say!
   A WISE man knows whether or not to say it!!!


us Offline Farmer X

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #294 on: May 14, 2025, 02:18:57 AM
 :rofl:
USN 2000-2006

Culling of the knife and multi herds in progress...

If I pay five figures for something, it better have wings or a foundation!


ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #295 on: May 14, 2025, 12:18:57 PM
Good morning everyone!

Many of you have asked why I always say "have a great day" at the end of each of these daily jokes and the answer is quite simple.

It sounds a lot less ominous than "Enjoy the next 24 hours."

See what I mean? 

Have a great day everyone!


Or else! 

Def
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us Offline Farmer X

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #296 on: May 15, 2025, 03:06:08 AM
Very true!
USN 2000-2006

Culling of the knife and multi herds in progress...

If I pay five figures for something, it better have wings or a foundation!


pt Offline pfrsantos

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #297 on: May 15, 2025, 12:23:43 PM
Howdy!

I was at a restauirant yesterday, the daily special was stewed cow tongue. A lady in a nearby table looked at the menu and frowned.

"Cow tongue?! Disgusting, something from an animal's mouth?! Bring me an omelette!"

________________________________
It is just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

I don't have OCD, I have OCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Eff the ineffable, scrut the inscrutable.

IYCRTYSWTMTFOT



ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #298 on: May 15, 2025, 01:01:27 PM
Good morning everyone!

As I get older people always remind me that age is just a number, but those people are wrong.

Age is a word.  You can tell because it has letters.

Have a great day everyone!

Def
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ca Offline Grant Lamontagne

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Re: Jokes for my work group
Reply #299 on: May 16, 2025, 12:58:00 PM
Good morning everyone!

I was reading some interesting history last night, specifically about the shortest king in the world.  Apparently he was only 12 inches tall which made it very difficult for people to take him seriously.

The general consensus was that he was a terrible king but a great ruler.

Have a great long weekend everyone- I am out for the next two weeks so you'll all have to amuse yourselves!

Def
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